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Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles


Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.


Under the plans, films would only be shown if they can easily understood by the majority English speaking community. Foreign films would need to apply for a license; would only be shown in specialist cinemas; and would have new censor rating of 'F'. Reform has also said it plans to bar any British citizens from accessing the subtitled films with a view to phasing out Welsh and other indigenous languages, as early as possible. The party claims their plans would increase Britishness and adherence to British values by over 200%.


Chancellor Rachel Reeves said the suggested measures 'might be a good or a bad idea' and the government were already looking at restricting access for Foreign films, or allowing everyone access to everything.


Olivia Colman says no to film

In an unprecedented move that has shocked the world of cinema, actress Olivia Colman has said no to an offer of work.


“Sorry, I just don’t think it’s for me,” she told her agent, Herb Schmuck, returning the script he’d sent her. “I think I’ll just spend some time at home in, er… gosh, do you know I can’t remember a time I wasn’t on a film set! But my PA must have my address written down somewhere.”


Schmuck described himself as “completely blindsided” by this development.


“I spent hours haggling with the producer over her fee, not to mention getting them to move the shooting dates to fit around her other commitments. I suppose I should have asked her first… but it just never occurred to me she might say no!”


The producer was also stunned by the news. “I guess we’ll have to cast… uh… come on, there must be other actresses around that age, right? I just can’t think of any right now.”


Cinema bosses meanwhile are panicking at the thought of entire weeks going by without any Olivia Colman films to offer the public. 


“It’s a disaster - how are we going to sell any popcorn or ice cream without Colman’s goofy charm to get people through the door… wait, maybe we could forget all about current films and just show a Colman retrospective?”



Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise.


Kruger has been a symbol of fear since 1984.


"Elm Street is over," he told a press conference.

Kruger said he had been "honoured" to be asked to help scare the crap out of the British people and he hoped that Farage would be the next prime minister, because that would really do it.


He said: "There have been moments when I have been very proud to belong to people's nightmares", but added: "The world is so frightening now it is getting more and more difficult.


"Better phone coverage, disused campsites being developed into housing, damp cellars and abandoned cottages turning into AirB&Bs all make it more difficult for ordinary people to be led to the slaughter."


He added: "This is my tragic conclusion, the nightmare is over, it is just not scary any more."


Kruger said he had "great regard" for Badenoch. “The Tory party has done well to create such a toxic brand, but it could be worse. Far worse. If the British public want to sh*t themselves every time they turn on the TV there is only one choice, and that is Nigel Farage and The Reform Party”.



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