MILFs in your area are NOT looking for you

In a wide ranging and extensive investigation, Newsbiscuit has concluded that, contrary to many emails, MILFs in your area are not looking for you, or indeed, anyone.

After a flurry of mysterious and enticing emails, Newsbiscuit reporters decided to follow up on the promise of consequence-free, morally casual horizontal delights. We put to the test as to whether there was a cache of eager middle-aged women (we discounted DILFs and GILFs for this report) geographically near, seemingly desperate to meet for immediate liaison.

We clicked on the links in the emails and followed the flow of encouragement under our pseudonym, MILF_LOVER69, but after a frustrating afternoon and a maxed out credit card, we found no desirous mothers close to us or even within 100 miles (the slider wouldn’t go any further). After taking our enquiries from door to door, we also discovered, very quickly and aggressively in many cases, that even within 5 doors of Newsbiscuit HQ, there will be still no ready and waiting, frustrated women at any juncture. The police, after they were called by concerned neighbours, also confirmed that this was probably a scam and that we should stop knocking doors and asking. Beware!

Next week: Our trip to meet a Nigerian Prince under a bridge in Waterloo!

image from Grok

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people.

"Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a middle aged white man sneering at them from a park bench. Or nasty old women shouting at some black children from her front garden because they walked down her street each enjoying a Magnum. It's only fair that all of Britain is represented."

Mr Farage went on to commit Reform UK to add a policy in their manifesto that a racist 'signer' will be in the corner of British TV screens that would automatically 'tut' and roll their eyes every time a Curry sauce advert was aired or a black person was featured in any positive sense whatsoever.

image from grok

Porridge reboot planned

TV executives are excited about a planned reboot of the iconic prison-based sitcom Porridge. They say that the format is even more relevant in 2025 and can include themes of spending cuts, early prisoner releases, and administrative incompetence.  

There is no news on casting, but we have obtained a first draft of the opening monologue:

‘Norman Stanley Kebatu, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual asylum seeker, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment and/or deportation in the same casual manner.  We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for a little while, and you then be let out and taken to Finsbury Park until you see the error of your ways.  We may deport you, if you can pay for your own ticket.‘

image from google gemini