Stiff response to penis injection scandal

Comedy writers around the world have lodged a formal complaint with the International Olympic Committee comedy(IOC) over stories about hyaluronic acid allegedly being injected into ski jumpers’ penises to give them extra elevation.

“How are we meant to compete with that?” said a spokesmirthson. “That is already funny. You can’t add anything to it. It’s not fair. We’re just trying to do our job here.”

Hyaluronic acid is a common filler used in cosmetic surgery, including injections being used for penile girth enlargement surgery. Stop tittering at the back there. Before the start of the season ski jumpers are measured for their suit. A larger penis at the time of measuring would mean a fractionally larger ski suit which could potentially mean greater lift.

There are rumours that a member of the Austrian team who took double the recommended dose of the acid has still not come down. Meanwhile, it has emerged the acid was also used in the creation of the giant heads of Verdi, Rossini and Puccini at the opening ceremony.

The dose led to their lower appendages falling off backstage, killing one of hundreds of volunteers in the first known case of ‘penicide’.

image form pixabay

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Man builds ark as UK experiences ‘dry weather shortage’

Following confirmation from the Met Office that it has rained somewhere in the UK every single day so far this year, a Shropshire man has announced that he is “about 60% sure the end is nigh” and has therefore built a full-scale ark, where he is now trapped with two of every animal on Earth.

Noah Smith said he felt compelled to build the ark when the amount of rain that has fallen this year started to feel “almost biblical”, and the weather app showed nothing but rain icons extending indefinitely into the future. “At some point,” he explained, “you stop asking ‘when will it end?’ and start asking ‘how many cubic metres does a giraffe emotionally require?’”

Problems began the moment the animals boarded. “Two of every animal is actually loads of animals,” said Noah, who has not slept in four days. “And then there’s the smells, and the noise. The elephants are constantly blocking the corridors, the snakes keep escaping and reappearing in places snakes should not be, and the rabbits have turned two rabbits into what I can only describe as an infestation.”

Feeding time has proven especially challenging. “The lions turn their noses up at anything that isn’t actively screaming, and the goats have consumed several structural beams instead of eating the hay provided for them,” sighed Noah. “Meanwhile, the penguins are being divas about temperature control, and the monkeys keep throwing essential navigation equipment overboard.”

Sanitation has also become a sensitive subject. “It turns out the phrase ‘clean as a whistle’ was not coined on a floating zoo,” Noah said, trying to scrape dung off the sole of his shoe with the end of an umbrella.

As rain continues to fall sideways, Noah admits he may have misread the signs. “In hindsight, the forecast of rain probably only applies to Britain,” he said. “I could’ve just bought a better coat, and some wellies.” Mopping the deck as a passing zebra kicked over his mop bucket, he added “Still, if civilisation collapses - and let’s face it, that’s the way things seem to be heading – at least I’ll be prepared. Emotionally? No. But structurally? Yes.”

The ark will probably remain afloat until at least the end of February, when Severn Trent Water is expected to announce a hosepipe ban.

image from pixabay

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Trump slams Shakespeare as 'meaningless word salad and garbage'

In a series of late night posts on the ironically named, Truth Social, President Trump, has turned his phenomenal brain power to William Shakespeare, branding The Bard of Avon as, 'A low IQ guy who wrote meaningless word salad and garbage.'

Commenting on Much Ado About Nothing, Trump wrote, 'Huh, he nailed it with the title.' In another petulant post he asks, 'Who the hell was this Henry guy? Seven plays about him when clearly one would’ve been plenty. He must have been the biggest narcissist in history.' His take on All’s Well That Ends Well was, “I thought that bunch of crap was never gonna end at all.”

However, unsurprisingly the great and the good of British acting have been flocking to Twitter all day to defend the accusations levelled at, as some argue, the world's greatest writer ever.

Paraphrasing Shakespeare, Sir Kenneth Branagh posted online: 'The mind boggles at depth of this man’s total ignorance – what’s more, me think he doth protest too much.' While Dame Judy Dench told reporters, 'I have only one word for Trump. It rhymes with banker.' 

However, whether you love the Bard or hate him - perhaps the last word should go to Shakey himself.

'Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'

image from grok