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People of Ukraine & Gaza forget their suffering



The people of Ukraine and Gaza forget all about their suffering - being bombed, shot and/or starved, and being generally f*cked about by Donald Trump and his arse-licking acolytes - in their ecstasy at learning that some singer (?) has become engaged to some footy player.


'My family have all been killed, I've been seriously wounded and my home and all my possessions have been destroyed' said one happy man. 'But hey-ho!  Who cares about minor inconveniences like that?  I couldn't be happier, knowing that this couple are set for a lifetime - or at least, a week or so - of wedded bliss.  I can't stop thinking them all day long, and at night as well, when I am kept awake by the noise of bombing, shelling and gunfire.'



Image credit: deep dream generator

Netflix to abandon movie titles

Streaming behemoth Netflix is to stop giving its in house movies conventional titles.


‘We don’t need to,’ said an executive, ‘because we sell all of our movies on star power. In future, our movies will have descriptive titles like ‘Action Thriller with Sean Bean and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’ or ‘Weepy Sob Story with Pierce Brosnan and Queen Latifah.’


‘Our subscribers know that our movie offerings are driven solely by the movie stars. We don’t care about the script, the plot, the cinematography or anything else. It’s the stars that sell the movies.  We can take any dumbass script, sign up some movie stars by waving a big cheque, and it's job done!  No offence to Thursday Murder Club, obviously.


‘Now we won’t have to think up movie titles, and we won’t need focus groups to fuss over them.


‘There is an exception to this new rule. We plan to retain conventional titles for franchise movies. We will swoop in on any half-decent franchise if the Hollywood studios show any sign of weakness. If anyone is going to do Fast and Furious 77 or Rocky 101, then it will be us. In those cases, we can dispense with the stars because the title will sell the movie.


‘Critics say that, once the stars have faded from everyone’s memory, we will end up with a back catalogue of unwatchable movies.  But we don’t care about that.  We can always rent them out to the cheapo streaming channels like U&Cry or U&MacGregor.  In the here and now, we need to sell more and more and more subscriptions until we’ve taken over the whole world, and crushed Apple TV into the dirt.’



Trump to ruin Ryder Cup by attending it

US president Donald Trump says he will be ruining the famous US versus European golf tournament by showing up to it in September. "Security will clear all the other spectators off the course while I am there, because I'm more important than them," bragged Trump. "They will also deport all the European players back to El Salvador, or wherever they come from.


"It'll just be me shouting 'Get in the hole,' while our invincible American heroes play their shots, and all the cameras will be on me because of the noise I'm making."


Donald Trump has also been telling the Ryder Cup selectors who should play in the US team and who should captain it. "People are saying I should be the team coach," he lied. "They're saying I could do wonders for the Ryder Cup players by teaching how to kick their balls out of the rough, toss them out of bunkers, and knock their contestants' balls off the green.


"I'll also be buying the course the Ryder Cup is played on using a stache of dirty money I'd hidden away from the taxman. Then I'll expel all the match marshals, so our great American sportsmen will be able to do what the hell they like.

"It will totally ruin the 2025 Ryder Cup, and kill the tournament for ever afterwards, but you have to get used to that kind of thing while I'm alive.


"Go Team USA!"




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