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Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

After his disappointing exit from Wimbledon, sports journalists across the country are feverishly checking Jack Draper's genealogical records in an attempt to find any of his antecedents who weren't English.


Max Slyme from the Daily Mail said: 'We perked up when we found Jack had a great great great uncle Hamish on his father's side. We'd already come up with our headline - Dour Scot crashes out in third round - only to find out this Hamish was born in Thames Ditton.


'But you have to admit, it looks suspicious and has given us hope. We'll keep digging even if we have to go back to the Stone Age. There's got to have been someone born north of Hadrian's Wall in Draper's family tree. There must be.'




Rod Stewart releases new Reform, sorry, Record

Following his performance at Glastonbury, eighty-year-old rocker Rod Stewart is to release a new overlong playing record in support of his new found love for right-wing politician Nigel Farage, who replaces Rod's previous bestie MP Enoch Powell.  Apparently he thinks Powell was a softie and like the object of his early Seventies hit, Maggie May, is also dead.


Some of the titles have been re-recorded to bring them up to date, but Rod hopes his fans embrace them.  They include:


The First DOGE cut is the Deepest


(I am) Racist


Do Ya Think I'm Racist?


Young Turks (go home)


If You Don't Know Nigel By Now


I Don't Want to Talk About Policies




Occasional tennis player surprised to learn he’s the British no 7

Occasional tennis player Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was surprised to turn on the BBC’s coverage of Wimbledon and see himself described as the British no 7.


”I played a couple of weeks ago, just to help out a friend whose usual opponent couldn’t make it,” he explained. “Before that, I can’t remember the last time I played. But apparently just winning that match, against an out of shape accountant in his 50s, has made me the British no 7.”


When Sawdust tentatively phoned the All-England Lawn Tennis Association, to ask if this meant he was expected to turn up at Wimbledon, they laughed and said that while he might be no 7 in Britain, he’s not in the top 500,000 worldwide, so he shouldn’t worry.


”Unless of course Cameron Norrie puts his back out again, in which case we’ll give you a call.”





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