Britain mourns death of BBC man with a beard

The nation walked around dazed with grief on Sunday, and the cranes alongside the Thames were dipped in mourning at the news the BBC had lost one of it finest ever men with a beard and glasses.

'Nala Botney didn't play in an orchestra, compose any symphonies or paint landscapes, but he defined Britain's arts more than anyone else in his era with his huge talent for eating canapés in the Crush Bar at the Royal Opera House,' said a BBC chatbot set to 'tribute' mode.

Botney rose through the ranks of the BBC to become Director of Beards, Director of Glasses and Controller of BeardBC One and BeardBC Two.

'He was a genius at having lunch in the front of house restaurant at the National Theatre, wearing a beard, some glasses and a crushed linen jacket,' reminisced former chief BBC suit, Lord Tony Pin-Stripe.

'I will never forget the time I asked him at the Athenaeum: Would you like to join me in a strawberry and pistachio mousse?' continued Pin-Strip.

'If it's on expenses, then naturally, he replied. Classic Botney! What a loss he'll be to the central London culinary scene.'

Nala Botney thrilled Britain with landmark series such as 'Let's Gush About Ballet', 'Let's Gush About Opera' and 'Let's Gush about Annoying Interpretive Dances', which get repeated on BBC Four year after year until the tapes break.

Picture credit: Stable diffusion

Virgin Island candidates ‘Not sacrificial lambs, honest’ say C4

The candidates on Virgin Island – adults so introverted that they’ve made it well into adulthood without popping their cherries – have been told that after their televised deflowering they must take an exam without studying for it, queue in Tesco in their underwear and then run away from a predator through a viscous material so they can only run really slowly.

It’s all part of Channel 4’s Real Nightmares season, which aims to destroy the lives of ordinary people to help with the station’s mission of ‘increasing customer figures for dodgy online casinos’.

‘We’re proud of our work at Channel 4’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve always tested the boundaries. Currently we’re seeing how far we can go before the UN declares it an atrocity. It’s surely only a matter of time’.

In fairness, Channel 4’s lawyers vetoed falling from a great height and shark attack, though we suspect that’s more a question of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

Image: Pixabay/renateko

Crowds gather to catch glimpse of Peppa Pig's baby sister

Following the happy news of the birth of Peppa Pig's new baby sister Evie Pig, crowds have been gathering outside the Lindo Wing at St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington hoping to catch a glimpse of the new pink arrival. 

A few people had already started to gather over the weekend, close to Mummy Pig's due date, and had even resorted to sleeping in tents on the pavement so they'd have a good view come the time of the blessed event. However it was only following Monday morning's announcement on Good Morning Britain of the baby's arrival, which was marked by a town crier delivering the news and a ceremonial fly-by from the RAF, when the masses really started to assemble. Right now it is believed that over 10,000 are lining the street opposite the hospital hoping for even the merest glimpse of the piglet.

"As everyone knows, the Lindo Wing is considered to be very exclusive" said midwife Mary McCafferty, who asked not to be named.

"All of William and Kate's children were born here after all. However when Mummy and Daddy Pig arrived the other day... well, it's an understatement to say I was starstruck, and I was the one who handled Kate's placenta the third time. Everything went without a hitch, although there was an awkward moment when a nurse offered Daddy Pig a bacon sandwich"

Police have been called in to try and manage the growing crowds, which are swelling by the hour. It has also been reported that Just Stop Oil had planned to stage a protest outside the hospital, however thankfully all activists were arrested and soundly beaten before anything could take place.

A week of celebratory events are planned to mark this momentous news; the King will be giving a televised address on Saturday, Parliament will be debating the idea of making Evie's birthday a public holiday, shops across the country will be selling assorted merchandise from the show as comparatively reasonable prices. It is also rumoured that Boris Johnson will be making a celebratory trip to Peppa Pig World tomorrow.

It is reported Evie's weight is eight bundles of snuggles, although this figure is expected to change once someone gets a hold of some butcher's scales.

Image: Pixabay/Openclipart-vector