Cleverley believes ALL of Stockton is a sh*thole

It's not just Stockton North - or its MP - that James Cleverley thinks is a sh*thole, Conservative HQ has confirmed.

'The Home Secretary is on tape saying Stockton North is a shithole, but be reasonable! He also thinks Stockton South is a shith*le and Stockton town centre is the critical core of a radioactive turd sandwich. He said the first railway in the world only went from Stockton to Darlington because people were so desperate to get out of "that sh*thole" Stockton.'

'In his defence, he was Foreign Secretary until 5 minutes ago and goodness knows how many other countries he has been caught calling shitholes. Arguably this shows progress?'

'Was it Stockton or Stockport? Are they different places? Tory HQ is more interested in stocks and shares. F*ck those other sh*tholes.'

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German city wiped from map by Food Standards Authority

The German city of Hamburg is reeling after being declared entirely responsible for meat products mislabelling.

'This has gone on for far too long,' announced Helmut Euler, Head Chief at the FSA. 'There is nothing more dangerous in the world than misrepresented consumables. You wouldn't believe the trouble we've had with baby food. Exhaustive tests have shown that there are virtually no babies in it whatsoever.

'It is therefore my grim duty to declare that the entire city is responsible for widespread confusion over whether hamburgers contain pork products or not. Everyone knows that a hamburger should be made using 100% cow. We have no option but to close down the city until it renames itself, changing all signs and map references to Beefburg.

'Next we are going after Brie Larson, who is less than 14% cheese.'

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Kent man found to be Gammon "Patient Zero"

Researchers in the UK claim to have found the original or "Patient Zero" Gammon in Gillingham, Kent. Roy Simpson, 66, when tested, had the highest concentration of prejudicial, xenophobic, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic and bigoted speech ever recorded in the UK. We went to see Roy at "Albion", his Bungalow, a Union Flag proudly flying from a pole in his front garden. We lives with his wife, Daphne, 64, and their son, Darren, 39.

"The thing is, see," he told us, "I'm not saying you're gay but that car you drove up in makes you look gay." He continued, "Nothing wrong with being gay, mind, more birds for the rest of us." He turned to his expressionless wife, "no offence, love".

He went on to tell me that immigrants don't want to integrate and they are only here to have operations on the NHS for free and then get a two million pound house for their family because they have a trans son. He also stated that he thinks that Farage guy would make a great Prime Minister but would be blocked by the Soros / Gates New World Order and Pfizer and 5G. The latter, he purports, invented by the illuminati to get the "sheeple" to comply. He maintained that he was immune as he has a higher intelligence level and hasn't had the COVID vaccine (which was also a hoax). His son Darren was furiously nodding at every word his father said whilst Daphne remained expressionless and silent.

After 2 months of study, researchers told me that on average he was offensive for 85% of his waking experience to which Roy was immediately furious about as he hates anything woke.

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