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Dog-walker despondent about ever finding corpse



Project manager Jerry Cunningham (37) has been walking his pointer / spaniel cross for almost two years now, with no sign of a dead body.


‘Get a dog, they all said. Start your own murder podcast. He’s costing me a fortune in Pedigree Chum’.


Cunningham has traversed the West Midlands, using every weekend and the lighter summer nights, hitting all the well-known body-dump sites with his dog, Watson. He was “devastated” to learn of the gangland-style killing of a drug dealer in Smethwick – the body was dumped in a field near his home but it was his darts night and he hadn’t been out.


‘I might have to murder one myself’ Cunningham told reporters in his depressing Birmingham accent. ‘But knowing my luck another dog-walker would find the body while I was disposing of the murder weapon’.


It is estimated that up to 80% of murders are committed by disappointed dog-walkers. A spokesman for the Kennel Club told NewsBiscuit ‘Corpse-hunting is a fun hobby but it does require patience. Finding a genuine one is a public service but we must discourage dog-owners in fairly strong terms from stepping over the line into actual murder. In any event we can not condone the use of crossbreeds to locate corpses – whether it’s one you’ve offed yourself or a genuine find, the Kennel Club’s position is that pedigree dogs make the best corpse-hounds’.


Cunningham is contemplating switching from dog-walking to either treasure-hunting or sex with prostitutes. ‘If anybody wants to swap a metal detector for a dog, or if any prossies out there would like a pointer / spaniel cross, just hit me up on Facebook’, he told journalists. ‘How many goes would I get for a dog, do you think? I could throw in some Pedigree Chum'.


image from pixabay



Man in Sh*t Car Finally Seduces Woman



Forget horse-drawn carriages, the real Prince Charming drives a 2007 Dodge Neon.


Local plumber Bob Bennett was overjoyed when his belligerent years of drive-by flirting finally paid off. The 37-year-old playboy has suffered his fair amount of rejection and hostility from the opposite sex, but his persistence has finally prospered by capturing the hearts of not one, not two, but three young girls.


It was a usual lunchtime for our lucky ladies, who were taking a break from their A level studies. Upon noticing the alluring adolescents, Bob decided to take a chance, manually roll down his window, and turn on the charm.


‘I’ll never forget the first thing he said to me,’ 17-year-old Molly tells us, her cheeks bright with elation. ‘He just screamed, “LEGS, LEGS!” and honked the horn on his duct-taped steering wheel. Wow, I thought; not only is he eloquent but he clearly knows his anatomy too.’


The second of the wooed waifs, 16-year-old Olivia, recalls his unique style: ‘I really liked how yellow the underarms of his vest were,’ she trilled, fiddling with a strand of her hair. ‘and the smell of stale farts that wafted out of the window when he cranked it open.’


‘I liked how his latest sexual conquest was the crumpled photograph of Katie Price that was taped to his dashboard,’ the third excitedly interjects. ‘He clearly knows a lot about women if he jeers at them from afar. Consider this heart won.’


Having never spoken to a woman face-to-face, Bob continues to bellow lewd epithets at his three admirers as they smile adoringly from the dubiously stained backseat. 'I didn't really think this far ahead,' he tells us.


image from pixabay



CO-OP to offer £162m funerals



An executive explained: 'Your average OAP from the Windsor area, wants something a little more elaborate - a gold encrusted carriage, a 21 gun salute and a nice finger buffet, with plenty of cheese balls. That costs a tad more than our usual package, which involves a CO-OP carrier bag and a trip to the nearest landfill.'


One Monarch spoke of the peace of mind it gave them: 'For £10 a month I get to close down the entire nation. More importantly it means I don't have to dip into my own savings, as I'm down to my last thirty billion pounds.'


Plans are already in place for Prince Andrew's funeral. Said one citizen: 'We all chipped in and quite frankly, it can't come soon enough.'


image from pixabay



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