Mick Carter detained by Border Patrol for attempting to cross the English Channel illegally

A spokesperson for the coastguard said, 'We arrested a swarthy looking gentleman who was swimming just off the coast, during the late evening of Christmas Day. We asked him for his nationality and he claimed to be a "Geezer", but he doesn't look like he comes from Egypt'.

They continued, 'He only has a very slim grasp of the English language claiming, his trouble and strife drove Sonia’s Andrew Marr right Frank Bough the frog and toad, over a cliff into the Housemaid’s knee. Naturally, he was worried because she was carrying his basin of gravy and his ex-bag for life. So he jumped in to try and save them. When we can find a translator we will begin questioning him properly, but we suspect he was attempting to enter the country illegally'.

'The only witness, refused to give his name, but is believed to be one Phillip Mitchell, of The Arches, Albert Square, Walford. He said he was waiting for a delivery of dodgy motors to switch up that bent copper Keeble, so he was no help at all'.

The spokesperson continued, 'With days like this the next strike can’t come quick enough. Let the Army sort it out!'.

Belgravia's Homewatch Association sets January referendum to join Russia

The leader of the Homewatch Association in the Belgravia region of London has announced that a referendum will be held in January on joining Russia.

Russians have exercised effective control over the area since purchasing the majority of properties. Most of the world considers Belgravia to be part of the UK, but Russia and a handful of other countries recognise it as an independent state.

'We did it!' Belgravia Homewatch leader Alexander Surkov wrote on Twitter, confirming that he had signed a decree setting the referendum for January 7th.

'In legalese, we fulfilled yet another important requirement,' he said. 'And in normal language, we took a life-changing step — we are going home, we are going to Russia.'

Several months into the war with Ukraine, Surkov declared Belgravia would take the necessary steps to join Russia.

Non-Russian residents have called into question the validity of the poll, complaining they were often prevented from accessing the region due to a lack of parking. One resident, who did not want to be named, reported, 'Hundreds of expensive black cars fill up all of the spaces, like this is Londongrad, or something.'

Author: mcdabble

Warm bank robbery leaves four shivering

A warm bank in Crewe was raided yesterday lunchtime. The robber got away with three degrees and a defrosted fishfinger. The heat say they are on the lookout for a villainous elderly lady appearing snug, or possibly a cat.

Chief Inspector Frank Thermometer of South Cheshire Heat said, 'The families of all those who have been left a bit chilly have been informed, and we're calling in a specialist officer from Warmingham to cool down the situation.

'This is a concerning development. We don't have the budget to deal with this new sort of high tech crime. Our concern is that there may be copycat heists, and we just don't have the resources to provide blanket coverage.

'At this time, we are pursuing a lead connected to an establishment in the area which we have learned is known as a "Hot L".

'Our advice to warm banks is to keep your warmth locked in a safe, or if you don't have one, some sort of secure box.

'The public should remain calm, mostly because we can't tell the difference between people shaking with fear or shivering from cold.'

'Right, I'm off back to my lovely toastie station for a special measure.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay

Hat tip to myke