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Warm bank robbery leaves four shivering



A warm bank in Crewe was raided yesterday lunchtime. The robber got away with three degrees and a defrosted fishfinger. The heat say they are on the lookout for a villainous elderly lady appearing snug, or possibly a cat.


Chief Inspector Frank Thermometer of South Cheshire Heat said, 'The families of all those who have been left a bit chilly have been informed, and we're calling in a specialist officer from Warmingham to cool down the situation.


'This is a concerning development. We don't have the budget to deal with this new sort of high tech crime. Our concern is that there may be copycat heists, and we just don't have the resources to provide blanket coverage.


'At this time, we are pursuing a lead connected to an establishment in the area which we have learned is known as a "Hot L".


'Our advice to warm banks is to keep your warmth locked in a safe, or if you don't have one, some sort of secure box.


'The public should remain calm, mostly because we can't tell the difference between people shaking with fear or shivering from cold.'


'Right, I'm off back to my lovely toastie station for a special measure.'



image from pixabay

Hat tip to myke

Rural housing crisis eased by inbreeding, says Zoopla



Greedy landlords have been slammed for doubling the rent of inbred yokels, while tenants with curiously large ears and pronounced squints have demanded a three-for-two discount. Campaigners for inbred villagers have dubbed the increase in rents and council rates a ‘banjo tax’. A protest of several hundred (or several thousand, depending on how you look at it), gathered in a sheepfold between Shitterton and Nether Wallop to express their outrage.


A spokesperson for the villagers said: ‘Oi loiks ma parridge. Fadda Christmas gonna pit parridge don ma chimnee.’


The number of people moving from urban to rural properties increased significantly during the pandemic. Zoopla believe the trend is reversing as new arrivals have second thoughts. One new homeowner in the village of Wetwipe said: ‘It was idyllic at first, but then I attended the school sports day. The winner of the three-legged race was disqualified for having an unfair advantage.’


Tensions are running high in some areas, and police are appealing for witnesses after a stranger’s car was beaten to death in the village of Upper Denture.


[ hat tip SteveB ]



image from pixabay



Judean Security Forces searching for Nazarene couple



Conflicting reports are coming in regarding a couple and babe that are wanted by Herod.


The man known as Joseph is variously described as a people smuggler or sex trafficker. The woman, Mary is believed to have given birth to a boy child somewhere in Bethlehem. Currently, their whereabouts is unknown. They may be heading south with the aim of crossing the border into Egypt. The both have pronounced Galilean accents.

Other sources state that this is fake news, and the King is seeking them because the babe in arms is a threat to his rule. We have question how that could that possibly be.

In other news

Sheep herders' claims that they saw an angel telling them of the coming of a "Messiah" has been dismissed as "poppycock" by a minister. He claims they were merely high on drugs after consuming some particularly strong kif.


The authorities are also keen to speak to three astronomers from the Far East who provided a very disturbing horoscope to the King. They have now fled Jerusalem.



image from pixabay


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