Cleethorpes man receives updated version of Ten Commandments from God

A man who claims to be a direct descendant of Moses the Prophet, says God has sent him an updated version of The Ten Commandments.

Mo Shufflebottom, a Pizza Leaflet Delivery Executive from Mount Sinai Road in Cleethorpes, says he received an email yesterday on his Samsung tablet from ‘The_Real_God9875@hotmail.com’, which reads as follows:

The Ten Commandments version 2.0 (updated for the 21st century)

1. Thou shalt not kill, unless thou art ‘killing it’ in the sense of doing something really well.

2. Thou shalt not commit adultery (looking at photos of thine ex on Facebook is fine, unless thou dost get caught by thy spouse).

3. Thou shalt not fanny about when being served in a shop, post office or pub when there are others waiting behind ye.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s car, though it be a top of the range Lexus that makes thine old Astra look like a pile of scrap.

5. Thou shalt not steal, nor shalt thou create government policies that rob from the poor and giveth to the rich, neither shalt thou fiddle thy MP’s expenses, for verily thou wouldst be self-serving, overprivileged scum.

6. Thou shalt respect the Earth and its resources, for thou dost not need to drive a Range Rover if thy liveth in a city, nor take several foreign holidays a year, for thou wouldst be a smug, self-centred pr*ck.

7. Thou shalt not troll, for it shall behove thee to keep thy foul bile to thyself as thou dost sit on thy fat, spotty, lonely arse at thy computer in thy mother’s basement.

8. Thou shalt not make noise and disturb thy neighbours at an unsociable hour, or thou wouldst deserve a mighty rain of dog turds to befall thy garden.

9. Thou shalt not use words like ‘holibobs’, ‘totes’ or ‘amazeballs’, for thou shalt get on everyone’s tits.

10. Thou shalt not retweet the offensive rantings of a bellend.

Mr Shufflebottom also claims that God has sent him updated versions of both the Old and New Testament, which are written entirely in emojis. The authenticity of these documents is yet to be verified, as we need to find someone under the age of 25 who is willing to translate them.

Bus used for funeral procession 'failed to stop at the cemetery'

When a number 13 bus was used to convey a London veteran bus driver on his last journey, the organisers failed to consider the correct route. 'We picked him up from his house, which really needed to be a number 14x,' said Bert today. 'It would have been better if he'd travelled from the chapel of rest as that's a number 16 and goes straight past the cemetery, although with it being a request stop it could still cause problems,' he added.

The deceased driver's family travelled in a Corporation bus that was supposed to follow the lead bus, but in fact diverted to the railway station as a rail replacement service due to the strikes. 'It was a shock, but I was able to pop into Tesco while it waited for the connecting service,' the bus driver's widow said. 'Unfortunately it never went anywhere near the cemetery so we all missed the burial.'

The officiating priest caught an Uber and was waiting for three quarters of an hour until he got a call advising that the coffin was sitting in lost property back at the depot. 'His wife's got six months to claim him, otherwise he's off to landfill, ironically' said a Corporation spokesman.

Treasure trove of bread recipes discovered

The world of the ancient craft of turning flour and water into food is in a state of heated excitement after news of a bakery sealed in time being discovered.

In a rundown remote building in Yorkshire hundreds of previously considered lost recipes for a myriad of bread products were found. Investigations concluded the establishment closed for half-day Wednesday over a century ago and never reopened. Experts in the field of carbohydrate antiquities believe the find to the most significant discovery ever, and named the treasure The Ilkley Hoard.

Recipes were found carved into the bakery’s wooden beams, scrawled on the walls and ceiling, and written into a very delicate filo pastry manual with strong tea ink, called The Book of the Bread. The precise location of the bakery is a closely guarded secret, but due to the accumulation of mills, bakeries and bread shops of historical interest the wider area has been dubbed the Valley of the Bakings.

Head Curator Martin Gartside from the British Butty Museum explains: “The Ilkley Hoard roughly doubles the one hundred and thirty seven recipes for bread products currently on sale in the north of England. Recipes previously thought lost in time lost have been rediscovered, including: the Halfwheat Dinkle, Middlle-Oven Whelper, the Knob-Wobbler’s Cobbler, the baguette-shaped Parson’s Promise, and a huge flat barm known as a ‘Coalman’s Cushion’.

“Then there’s the traditional Easter favourite: the Saviour’s Hand, five iced fingers stuck to a muffin with a flake pushed through the middle. Also ‘working’ bread, like the Waterproof Margaret: an edible square bread pouch specifically baked for another sandwich to fit inside to keep dry, and the Lazy Plumber’s Mop: a loaf so absorbent it easily soaks up two pints of gravy without the slightest structural degradation.”

Gartside added: “Alongside other products of protected geographical significance, such as Champagne and Cheddar cheese,‘ Appellation d’origine contrôlée f’t loaf’ status has been awarded to the Ilkley Milkley. The importance of the Hoard cannot be underestimated, and this find downgrades the contents of King Tut’s tomb to little more than the gubbins you’d find at the back of a rat catcher’s shed.”

image from pixabay