Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal

The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.

“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public - I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”

However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”

Image: Pixabay/johnnyhypno

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Police offer advice to women on what to do while being murdered by police

Women have been told to ask for a police officer's warrant card and if possible use a mobile phone to photograph it and send it to a local police station or their MP while being murdered by the policeman. The police have also suggested that while being unlawfully killed women should take a note of the officer's number and jot down any physical characteristics that might later identify him.

In related news, it is understood police will also later publish guidance on how to spot undercover police officers, particularly those who turn out to be a woman's husband or co-habitee.

A spokesman said that occurrences like the recent murder, failure to deal with warning signs, the Stephen Lawrence case, the cover up of the Stephen Lawrence case, the cover up over the Daniel Morgan case, and multiple cases of undercover officers committing sexual offences as well as yet-to-be disclosed cases of police crimes are 'flashes in the pan'.

'We think the public should sleep easy in their beds, but we do advise they check the loved one with whom they are sharing that bed is who he says he is, so make an identity check part of your bedtime routine.'

Image: Pixabay/jorisamonen

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Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw

As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.

“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”

The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.

“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto