King for sale, hardly used

UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.

High mileage. Non-runner. Needs work. Battery not included.

Full service history. See complete, multiple-duplicated Daily Express records. Some photos may have been augmented.

Comes with second-hand Queen for free. Ideal for anyone looking to complete part of broken up set. Those seeking 1980s-style Princess will be disappointed.

No obligation to take on costly responsibilities of piss-artist formerly known as Prince.

Will consider trade-in for Canadian Prime Minister.

No time wasters.

Image: WixAI

Inverness Airport Lighting Upgrade Just New Torch

Auditors are questioning the £4 million bill to upgrade runway lighting at Inverness airport, as a forensic examination of invoices shows the only thing bought was a new torch.

"Aye, we'll admit that sounds expensive," said lead project manager Iona Ferrari, "but what you have to consider are bigger picture things like logistics costs. This torch is aerospace-grade, which doesn't come cheap, and we had to buy the batteries from WH Smith, as there's nowhere else open on the High Street anymore, and we weren't allowed to get Amazon Prime."

The airport is now advertising a role standing at the end of the runway flashing the torch at approaching aircraft. The successful applicant will be needed six days a week, eleven months a year. The month off is around the summer solstice, when aircraft can successfully navigate thanks to the giant wicker man burning on the airport's land.

image from pixabay

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Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Private Equity insiders admit that that running supermarkets in Britain has been way tougher than they expected.  ‘The masters of the universe can usually spin straw into gold,’ said one commentator.  'But their efforts at British supermarket chains Asda and Morrisons makes them look really stupid. It’s embarrassing.’

It should have been easy. Take over a so-so supermarket chain, make a few whizzy changes, watch the valuation soar, and sell out at a massive profit.   Bosh!

But Asda and Morrisons have languished, weighed down by the piles of debt issued by the private equity owners.   The interest on those debts is massive, and means that neither chain can invest in stores, staff or supply chains.   All the masters of the universe can do is to cut costs, sack staff and amp up the marketing campaigns.

The superhero private equity geeks are being beaten hands down by people who actually have some experience in running stores.  One of those geeks sobbed to us privately. ‘It seemed like a really easy gig.  Put in a few months working 24/7 to turn things around, and then walk away with millions in bonuses.   Instead, I’ve been working 24/7 for years, and all I’ve got is a shopping card that gives me ten per cent off.  The stores are dirty, understocked, understaffed and expensive - even I don’t want to shop there.  Why didn’t I choose a deal in financial services, software or health?’

Meanwhile, all those dyed-in-the-wool, nation-of-shopkeepers types are twisting the knife, doing all the things that the private equity owned shops can’t do.  Like selling food at a competitive price in a store that shoppers actually want to visit.

image from pixabay