Episode 55: Fake pensioners, Fart Machines & Digital Hansard
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Chipchase, Sparkly Bob & Ian Searle
Host: Wrenfoe. Nov-Dec 2025
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/ We are also listedonSticher,Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict &Castbox,YouTube,Spotify,Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music &Anchor
Aries
Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?
Taurus
The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.
Gemini
A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.
Cancer
You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!
Leo
Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo
Virgo
If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.
Libra
There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.
Scorpio
Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …
Sagittarius
You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?
Capricorn
This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.
Aquarius
Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.
Pisces
You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.
Authors:
Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio
Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius
SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn
Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces
Sinnick: Virgo
Deskpilot: Aquarius
This has certainly been a budget of budgets. So many budgetty things. Luckily for you, we’re here to explain it all.
Overall, the government has been very even-handed, giving with one hand and taking back with the other hand. And I think we all know which hand is the bigger one. The most important points are that the Chancellor failed to deliver the longest ever budget speech, and failed to get paralytic by chugging on English plonk as she spoke. If she had done either of those things, or cried again, then no-one would be talking about the budget measures at all. Anyway, here is our in depth analysis of the separate budget measures:
VAT – the government promised not to put up the rate, and it didn’t. Cripes! But they did fiddle with some stuff at the margins. In a move that surprised no-one, books and newspapers remain VAT free. But the meeja had better watch its attitude.
Income Tax – the government promised not to put up the rate, although it had half promised that it would put up the rate, but it backed down due to the backlash. So the government has frozen personal allowances again, and that will cost you lots of dosh. Strangely, this seems more acceptable than whacking one or two pence on tax rates.
Corporation Tax – the government has decided not to increase corporation tax, as this would restrict businesses' ability to pay shareholders abroad, in tax havens, for shares held in trust and held by non-doms. And it would reduce businesses' ability to make political donations, which are sorely needed, because times are hard for everyone.
Council Tax – you knew you were going to get whacked and you were. Next time, check the manifestos for promises about Council Tax, sucker.
Mansion Tax – see Council Tax
Cost of Living – the government is trying to look vaguely socialist, and also to prop up the people who used to be its core vote before Reform and Plaid Cymru waltzed in. All of the benefits that were described in such gushing terms are wiped out by freezing income tax allowances. Soz. And the government will force you to drink unsweetened milk shakes, lard ass. On the plus side, the Chancellor dropped big hints to the Bank of England about cutting interest rates. And the government has worked out that it can fiddle the inflation figures by mucking about with energy prices.
Government spending – usual story. All talk and no action. But a driving test is still £62, same as it was in 2009. Boom! How’s that for keeping costs down? (We aren't mentioning the ridiculous wait for a driving test, as it’s nowhere near as bad as the wait for NHS treatment.)
Productivity – a difficult issue. Didn’t have time to solve this one - there just aren't enough hours in the day, apparently. So the issue is still in the pending tray. Maybe AI could solve this?
All these budget measures are correct at the time of going to press and are subject to U-turns, particularly regarding the driving test.
