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Camilla to be crowned with a golden novelty drinking helmet




Her Royal Shakiness, The Queen Consort, has been told not to wear that big blingy crown with the massive diamond in the middle of it for her coronation. It has been alleged that it was stolen from the back of an auto rickshaw in Delhi - authorities have issued an international arrest warrant for the culprit. The photo-fit bears a surprising resemblance to the well-known monarch, and jewel thief, Queen Victoria - very Koh-i-Noorty.


A palace spokesperson said that Queen Shakey was delighted to swop an outmoded relic of the empire for something more contemporary. When it was pointed out to her that they were talking about the crown rather than Charles she hastily changed the subject.


'She is delighted to be wearing a golden novelty drinking helmet,' the spokesperson wittered. 'Her only request is that the plastic beer straw fitted to the contraption is swapped for a more elegant and lady-like gin straw.'





First published 16 Oct 2022


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Rare unsigned copy of draft Brexit Deal to be auctioned off



The Trade Agreement Collector's world is reeling from the news that a rare copy of a draft of a Brexit deal which hadn't been signed by Boris Johnson as been found down the back of a sofa in the Reception area of a Specsavers, believed to be in Barnard Castle.


"These types of document come to light very infrequently, as they are usually shredded, but in this instance this slim volume appears to have found it's way out of Whitehall" said Chief Auctioneer, Willoughby Land. "It is also interesting in that many of the headings were prototypes of what were in the final documents - such as "Yeah, yeah we'll do that", "Sod the Fishermen", "Who needs Lorry Drivers anyway, they're all filthy oiks", and "TAX Havens", with most followed by a simple bullet point "whatever".


Asked if the sale has garnered much interest Mr Land replied "Yes, of course, it'll go for a fortune, as it turns out that the signed copies are worthless".


image pixabay/succo




First published 15 Oct 2021


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X Factor winners' reunion bash cancelled due to clerical cock-up



It's understood an X Factor Winners' reunion bash, scheduled for December at London's swanky Dorchester hotel, had to be cancelled due to a clerical cock-up.


The glitzy party to honour all winners of the fourteen seasons since 2004 came unstuck when organisers realised they only had contact details for a few of the stars. A spokesman for Simon Cowell's Syco company said: 'Yeah, it's a shame really. It was going to be a helluva a night until we realised there were just about three we could get hold of and they were all busy.


When asked who had actually been invited the spokesman said: 'Now, let's see. Obviously we asked Will, but he was busy, then Leona, erm... she was washing her hair and of course we sent 1D at least 10 emails but got no response.


'Then we discovered something rather odd. We checked the contact details we held for all contestants for every season, but the files had been mysteriously wiped. That was probably a mistake made by an office temp.


'So we put ads in all the mags and asked around the biz, but no one knew any of them. That's a surprise cos like in season seven there was... oh... you remember... whazztheirname? Thingy... he/she/they might've had the Christmas number one that year... wait... it'll come to me... ooh...'


It's understood the plug was finally pulled when previous contestants Jedward and Wagner somehow got wind of the event and tried to blag an invite.


image pixabay/BEP




First published 14 Oct 2021


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