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E Viva España as Boris takes a well-earned post-party conference break in the sunshine



Heartening news has emerged today that the man who has his hand on the tiller of the good ship UK, PM Boris Johnson, has rewarded himself with a nice sunny break on the Costa del Sol.


A source close to the vacillating fool said: 'Well, it's been a tough stretch for the PM. Do you know he's had to don over 70 Hi Vis jackets since mid July? Yes, true. Add to that the 17,000 or more fist bumps and or handshakes he's performed in the same time; well that takes its toll too. And that's before we even consider the many furtive goosings he's helped himself to whenever opportunities were presented.


'He's completely worn out, what with running the nation with a fist of iron, and I don't think we should begrudge him a little break. He's been under the greatest pressure imaginable, indeed more so than any other British leader since Churchill.


'For a man who revels in self-promotion and craves adulation, hiding himself away from the public for lengthy periods has been difficult. Do you think he actually likes to be seen keeping his head down, or being exposed as not being on top of his brief? No, he most certainly does not. But these are difficult times we're living through and sometimes it's a simple matter of needs must.'


image pixabay/kookay




First published 13 Oct 2021


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'Ditch the private jet journeys' Prince tells climate activists



Prince Charles has told climate activists they must ditch their private jets and chauffeur driven limousines if they are serious about saving the planet.

Speaking from one of his vast country mansions at the weekend the Prince said campaigners must think twice about how their selfish actions impact on the planet.

‘Blocking roads on the way to the airport where one keeps their private jet is not at all helpful’ said the Prince while reloading his shotgun ‘it took me an absolute age to get from my little nine bedroom estate in Gloucestershire to my little fifty-two bedroom estate in Scotland…luckily for me I have access to a private helicopter, otherwise the journey would have taken over an hour….an unnecessarily long time for such a short journey’ the next-in-line told Town and Country magazine.

Prince Charles said he understood why groups like Extinction Rebellion were taking their protests to the streets…’they feel like nobody is listening…I feel their frustration too. I have managed to reduce my carbon footprint by switching the heating at Birkhall to biomass burner. We now burn fifty pound notes, old charity collection boxes….and those dirty old cardboard boxes homeless people use as makeshift hides to shelter from the cold’.

The prince had earlier shown how serious he was about climate change by planting a tree on the 50,000 acre estate.

‘Now you must excuse me….Biffy Harpington-Strong has already bagged a stag and three plump grouse and I’ve only got these pheasant and a buzzard to show for my morning stroll…..he will pull my leg mercifully if I don’t bag a few more’.


image pixabay/ValiGreceanu




First published 12 Oct 2021


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Study finds half of UK adults believe crumbs that fall into toaster ‘just disappear'



A new study has shown that 53% of UK adults believe the crumbs which fall into their toaster simply disappear without a trace.


'It’s like cremation, isn’t it?' suggests participant Lee Halsall, 'Or when something falls through the barbecue grill. Gone forever.'


Lead researcher Stella Holmes explains: 'This study provides further evidence that we are not teaching our children the practical skills they need to be effective in life. We badly need educational reforms to introduce courses like financial literacy, critical thinking and object permanence.'


It remains to be seen what purpose, if any, those in the ‘disappear’ camp believe a toaster’s crumb tray serves. Unfortunately Mr. Halsall could not be reached for further comment as his toaster had inexplicably caught fire.


Author: Stu Horgan


image pixabay/PublicDomainPuictures



First published 11 Oct 2021


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