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Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist



A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.


Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.


"Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located," he told assembled scientists at an international geography conference.

"It's a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.


"It's my view, that by 2024, pretty much all of them will have been reduced to floating on the surface of the water gazing sightlessly at the sky, with absolutely no cognisance of the world around them.


"A bit like Young Conservatives in the hotel pool when they're on holiday."


A spokesman for the fiercely pro-Brexit, United Kingdom Independence Party, hit back furiously at the professor's remarks.


"Primordial soup? Never! We only have good old proper British soup like oxtail or cockaleekie in my house!"





First published 7 Oct 2021


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Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing



Ironic Christmas adverts that call attention to how absurdly early they are airing are just as irritating as the real thing, according to a highly scientific study.


These advertisements, which hit the public’s screens as early as the beginning of October, are shrouded in a thick layer of sarcasm, but in fact provoke the same enraged reaction in the viewer as a sincere ad would.


Encouraging people to get Christmas done early with a wink and a nudge, is no less obnoxious than a supermarket putting up its Christmas tree pre-Halloween, or a small child handing you her present list before the schools go back, scientists report.


“Self-awareness can only go so far,” said one angry couch potato. “Just because the ads themselves point out how early in the year it is, doesn’t mean I can accept hearing Noddy Holder and Bing Crosby before the leaves have turned brown. I’m still holding onto summer!”


Researchers warned that these adverts may contain knowing references to Halloween, bored teenagers rolling eyes at overexcited parents and unseasonal amounts of tinsel. The only known way to avoid the horror is to get off the sofa and venture outside into the mild autumn air.


“If you think this is bad, wait till we reach November,” the report concludes.





First published 6 Oct 2021


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Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award


The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.


"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."


Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."


When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."




First published 5 Oct 2022


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