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Musk vs Zuckerberg in 'The Grapple at the Sistine Chapel'



In what nobody is really buying as the "fight of the century", a w@nker billionaire with too much facework to let anyone touch it is goading a w@nker billionaire with an alien hairline which if slightly tugged might unravel the entire being.


Fisticuffs promoter, Gill Bates said, 'Normally, I get quite passionate and over-the-top for a big fight. But this match-up has all the appeal of an intact rice pudding. Look, they might be working really hard on their Chinese burns and wedgies, but I can't see it climaxing into anything more than frantic fly-wafting.


'But you get paid a few million to hype this crap up, so I've got my team working on the most important thing - what to call it. The Rumble in the Jungle, it certainly won't be - more like "The Twisty-Titty in the Vatican City".


'Anything like the Thriller in Manilla would be a slight case of over-billing, so maybe "The Cower at the Bell Tower"? Or "The Towel Flicker at St. Mark's Basilica"?


'If either of them come up with an innovative move, then we haven't ruled out "The Thumb-up-the-Bum at the Colosseum".


For the moment, though, the working title covers the most likely outcome for both of them: "The Weep Bitterly in Italy".'




First published 15 Aug 2023


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‘I’ve caught worse diseases in Skegness’ insists Anderson



Conservative Party deputy chairman Lee Anderson has condemned asylum seekers for leaving the barge used to house them in Dorset saying he had caught worse diseases than legionella while holidaying in Skegness.

The migrants were evacuated on Friday afternoon after just a few hours on board the vessel when health officials found traces of the deadly disease in the water supply.


However, the controversial MP was not impressed.


Anderson insisted that if you used hotels or B&B in the Skegness area when he was a kid it meant you were almost certain to come away with some life threatening disease or debilitating respiratory condition.


‘Sure we got sick…but we just got on with it’ said the MP for Ashfield in Nottinghamshire ‘our parents would give us 50p for the day and we would go off and have fish and chips, a ride on the donkey, a candy floss, toffee apples, a ride on the helter-skelter, buy a bucket and spade and still have money left over for the penny arcade. We didn’t moan about infectious diseases or deadly bacteria ruining our holiday.


If all you suffered from was dry coughs, confusion, diarrhoea and a week in hospital then you’d had a good holiday’.


Anderson also said the asylum seekers should be grateful the condition was only a namby-pamby French sounding disease found in water supplies and not one of the really hard bastard killer diseases we have thriving everywhere here in England.


‘If they don’t want to catch legionella here in England then they should ‘f**k off back to France….it clearly sounds French so they probably brought it with them anyway’.




First published 14 Aug 2023



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NHS cyber attack confirmed as being written on post-it notes


'We found the notes stuck inside the patient files, with all the important pages removed and just yellow sticker saying "pay £15Billion or you will never get Billy Jones' results back",' said an NHS security consultant today. 'There must have been thousands of files with the notes removed. Not all mentioned Billy, obvs.'


His colleague working across the desk on 111 cyber security confirmed that the back-up floppy disc had been 'waved over a magnet or something' and had the all-telling post-it note attached. 'We'd send everyone an email if we had an IT system,' said the consultant, 'and when I went to the semaphore cupboard to implement our fallback system, both flags had post-it notes on - totally unusable.'



First published 13 Aug 2022



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