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Bidding war erupts for Boris Johnson’s memoirs to be kept under wraps


A bidding war between publishers, media companies and Tory donors to keep Boris Johnson’s memoirs under wraps has begun, and the asking price is sky rocketing.

Boris has already drafted seven volumes of the series, provisionally titled The Truth Never Lies, during quiet moments at Number 10. He is reported to have ghost writers working towards a full twenty volume box set. The memoirs will reveal Boris’s innermost thoughts, if any, during a series of astonishing scandals and crises that rocked the nation. Aides say that the memoirs will reveal the absolute, real and properly evidenced truth about everything - without embellishment, self-aggrandisement, or accuracy.

The involvement of US based streaming services has pushed up the price for the rights. One company said that audiences for a dramatisation could outstrip those for The Crown and quipped that the series could be called The Clown. Channel 4 has announced that it is withdrawing from the race, noting, ironically, that they can’t even afford to find out how they got shafted.

At this stage, it seems likely that a cabal of Tory donors will outbid all of the publishing houses and media companies. They have tabled an eight figure bid (ten figures if you include the pence), reasoning that this is a small price to pay to avoid a long series of painful revelations as each new volume is published. One said that although it was tempting to use the money to just bribe the voters, it was clearly more effective to buy the rights, bury the memoirs forever, and stop the whole idiotic charade from coming to light.



First published 8 July 2022



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Internet To Be Shut Down For Removal of Giant Pubic Hairball



It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of pubic hair that has formed in one of the pipes, believed to be under Bermondsey in South London, caused by the sheer volume of pictures of genitalia being shared by people on dating sites and elsewhere.


Workman will insert a giant drain snake, similar to the device used to unclog a domestic bath or sink pipe, at around 6.00 am, hoping to be finished before people log on after work.


The snake, or auger, to give it its technical name, will then be turned manually by up to five hundred burly men, stripped to the waste, until the offending ball of pubes is broken down before being extracted in long sodden strands which will then be recycled and used for wigs, sweaters, and, in the case of some of the finer strands, bleached and woven into gowns for cash-strapped brides-to-be.


An internet spokesman told newsmen: 'We became aware of increasing delays in data flow during the last few months so sent a remote camera down an internet manhole close to where the problem was most severe.


'We subsequently discovered a large ball of matted pubes in the pipework at Bermondsey, almost certainly caused by people sending each other pics of their dicks and growlers via Tinder and suchlike.


'Hopefully, we'll get this one sorted fairly quickly, although we may be delayed and forced to use flamethrowers if the pubes are matted and bound together with any gobs of spadge or fanny batter.'


image from pixabay


First published 7 July 2023



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Dear Aunty Newsbiscuit


Dear Aunty NewsBiscuit,


I am a prime minister of what was once a globally respected nation (although I hope you'll understand when I say I'd rather remain anonymous for now). We were perceived as the cradle of democracy and a shining beacon of truth and justice everywhere.


But the thing is, I'm now rather fed up with being seen as a compulsive liar, a risible moron and a bumbling buffoon by virtually everyone on the planet. Many are suggesting that under my tenure, the country's reputation has been absolutely trashed into the dirt. Indeed it is my understanding that even amoeba actually hold this somewhat low opinion of me too.


But, you know, it gets a chap down when he's trying his level best to do right by the country. It's as if I am not appreciated at all. So okay, chaps tell me stuff, but what with one thing and another, pressures of not being found out and so on, I go and forget what it was they told me. I mean I'm only human. Selective memory recall affects most from time to time, although I would concede fewer every single time.


But anyway, my question is this. Do you think it might help were I to smarten myself up a bit, get a new haircut, stop being a feckless oaf and perhaps begin to tell the truth once in a while?


Regards Horace Jobson


Ha Ha! (with such a clever alias you'll never know who I am)


First published 6 July 2022



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