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Conservative MPs sue Party for PTSD after Question Time appearances



Dave (not his real name) is a Conservative MP. He told NewsBiscuit about the terrors of being sent “over the top” onto Question Time: ‘It’s horrific. You’ve got ten, maybe twelve backbenchers who owe favours or we’re in the shit for something – usually sexual. It’s like the First World War trenches, only with bigger rats.


‘The whips are right bastards. There’s one, I can’t think of him without shuddering, he just walks down the line making eye contact until you lower your eyes. Then you feel a hand on your shoulder and it’s your turn’.


Jenny (not her real name) is a junior minister: ‘They make you face the public. The actual public. Even from twenty, thirty feet away they smell. Not as bad as the rivers, obvs, but it’s still horrid. Who’d have thought people would be so upset about a bit of shit being pumped into their rivers 850 times a day?’


As soon as Question Time ends the Conservative cannon fodder is whisked away to a treatment centre. An undercover journalist working for NewsBiscuit infiltrated the centre posing as a care worker. What she saw was heartbreaking. ‘There was this old chap, must have been respectable once, just rocking back and forth, rubbing his knees and crying silently. Tears streaming down his face but no sound emerging. It was chilling.


‘Those are referred to as ‘the wets’. Don’t know why. There’s a separate wing – Darwin - where the others hang out. That’s party central – booze, drugs, music. The ones who can hack it, who actually enjoy the abuse – they’re the future of the Party. They’re assessed by psychiatrists and if they score high in the psychopath tests they’re promoted at the next reshuffle. God knows what the party will be like after a few more rounds of Darwinism’.


Charles Darwin was unavailable for comment. He’s dead, apparently. Wet.



First published 14 May 2023



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Lee Anderson's guide to solving the cost of living crisis



Conservative MP, Lee Anderson has offered some helpful advice for people who through, fault entirely of their own, find themselves a little short of the old readies:


1) Ask Pop for an advance. That's what I usually do, touch the old feller for a few K to tide me over. Of course, at some point that will stop working.


2) Tip waiters less. If you think about it, tips are simply money down the drain. In normal times, of course, I'd tip 2% like anyone else, make that 1% and it will add up.


3) Get cook to give you some lessons. If you learnt to cook, then you'll find you can halve the cost of buying Kobe beef and Maine lobster at a restaurant.


4) Claim food and drink as 'business expense' - if you're working, why should you pay for the snacks? I've recommended to the prime-minister that he claims all the booze he consumed at Downing Street parties as a legitimate business expense; I'm sure the public would support him.


5) Live in a warmer climate during the winter. I save a fortune in fuel bills by living in our 'cottage' in the Riviera, not everyone may have spotted that opportunity.


6) Sell your farm produce to yourself and claim it back against tax. This is a real wheeze; we all own a farm, big or small, but if you sell, say, 1lb of sprouts for £500,000 to yourself then claim that as a taxable expense, you'll end up with the government paying you to eat sprouts - which seems fair enough.


7) Keep your eyes open for alternatives to Fortnums. Obviously, you can't get everything from your farm and when you do go shopping, tell the chauffeur to keep an eye out for establishments called things like 'Lidl' or, even, 'Aldi'. You can send someone in and surprise yourself at how much you save.


8) Sell one of your houses to a Cayman Island shell company and lease it back to yourself. I know, I know, surely everyone's done this? But there's always someone! Check with your accountant next visiting time.


9) Attend board meetings around lunchtime. We all have to attend tiresome meetings - apparently that was in the small print of the £100k consultancy 'work' I've signed up for. However, insist that the monthly meeting starts around 11:30 - then an hour later, someone will say; 'Is it time for lunch?' and you can quickly say - 'Thanks; I don't mind if I do.' Yum!


10) Divorce a rich person. It might seem obvious that the best way to solve your money worries is to marry a rich person. Well, don't be so sure. Even better, is to marry a rich person, spend like crazy, then divorce them - you'll make a fortune in the settlement.


First published 13 May 2022



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Pinewood Studios in talks with Neil Parish over new 'Carry On…' script



Pinewood Studios say they are in talks with former Tory MP Neil Parish over his script for a new Carry On film.

Rank Organisation say they have already signed a deal with Parish and filming for the comic caper should get underway later this year at the Buckinghamshire studios.


The film - titled Carry On Ploughing - is set in the farming community of mid Devon and centres around a young hapless farming lad played by Jim Dale trying to woo the barmaid from the local village pub. Dale tries to impress the barmaid (played by Barbara Windsor) with his ploughing skills and his massive seed planter. But the barmaid's mother has misgivings about Dale and what he intends doing with his enormous dibber, and has barred the farming lad from the local pub.


Carry On regulars Sid James, Kenneth Williams and Charles Hawtrey are all said to be on board with the new film and say it is one of the most laughable and implausible scripts they have encountered in Carry On history.

James said he had appeared in nearly 20 Carry On films but the plot for this script was the most ridiculous yet.


Former Tory MP Ann Widdicombe was initially pencilled in to be Windsor’s battle-axe mother, but having met her during rehearsals Rank say she would be better suited to the new Hammer House of Horrors movie set for next year.


Parish said he had been working on the Carry On script while serving as a sitting MP and had even researched farming practices on his mobile phone while still at work. The former Tiverton and Honiton MP added that he had been so keen to get the Rank script ready for filming, he had even visited websites while sitting on the front bench in the House of Commons.


A publicist for Rank welcomed having Parish on board and looked forward to working with him on this and future projects. ‘Neil is Rank through and through,’ he said. ’We think he will fit in nicely with his new stablemates.’


First published 12 May 2022



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