top of page
Search

'Primary source of fog still Bonnie Tyler pop video from the 1980s' confirms Met Office


Leading meteorologists based in the UK have traced the source of all global fog to a pop video made in 1985. 'Total Eclipse of the Heart is the reason why we have mists rolling in from the sea and why it's always a pea souper on bonfire night,' explained bright-eyed weather guru Tomasz Schafernaker. The only thing we still can't explain is what's going on with those illuminated peepers at the end of the video.


'Many people wrongly believe it was due to an appearance on Top of the Pops by Cliff Richard, when Cliff gradually became shrouded until we couldn't see him anymore. But that was a one-off event in a BBC controlled environment and played out precisely as intended. So it does not explain those weird pictures of San Francisco Bay where all you can see are the top bits of the Golden Gate Bridge.


'That is caused by the fog created for the Take My Breath Away video in 1986, which was so bad that it affected Midge Ure when he visited Vienna 6 years earlier. You might be interested to learn that this is not the only case of Berlin invading the Austro-Hungarian region.


'If the fog sometimes seems a bit yellow to you, then it's not pollution. That's just David Dickinson's fake tan escaping into the atmosphere in a perfectly natural way.'



First published 5 May 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Sky News gives impartial view on Sharp resignation from BBC



According to inside sources Sky News will be releasing a program covering the recent resignation of Richard Sharp the soon to be former chairman of the BBC.


The ninety minute documentary titled 'Hahahahahaha you license fee sucking vampires' delves deep into the dodgy dealings surrounding the appointment and subsequent resignation of Richard Sharp. In an interview that Sky News gave to itself a spokesperson for the production said the following:


'Not only did we want to make sure that anyone we platformed backed up their claims with evidence, we also wanted to make sure that we were asking these questions in a sensitive way that took into account the human beings involved. Then we remembered that we were dealing with the BBC and what goes around comes around.'


Sharp's resignation comes after an inquiry found he created the appearance of a conflict of interest by not fully disclosing his knowledge of the ex-prime minister's personal finances after helping to facilitate a loan between Canadian businessman Sam Blyth and Former Prime Minister Boris Johnson.


‘We've seen a lot of reports claiming that the loan was 800,000 dollars, but in the interest of balance we also should hear from the people that say the loan was actually one billion dollars and involved man on man action in the bathtub. You know, for balance.'


Sky News are also alleged to have acquired the list of people potentially being considered to replace Sharp which include; Nadine Dorries, Ghislaine Maxwell, Sue Gray, and an Austrian born man with a funny little moustache.




First published 4 May 2023



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Tractor porn is NOT going to be legalised, says government


A long overdue review of porn laws aimed at decriminalising pornographic material has been launched by the government. 'Because most porn is technically illegal it is difficult if not impossible for those who make a lot of money from porn to do the decent thing and pay their taxes,' pointed out a government minister today, 'so we are looking at decriminalising the most popular porn in an attempt to give the taxpayers of this country a bit of a break and to ensure we have at least five Members outside of gaol by the next General Election,' he added.


The aim isn't to decriminalise everything, just the acceptable bits like topless and bottomless photographs, BDSM, bestiality, snuff movies and anything that wouldn't have turned Jimmy Savile on. 'Tractor porn isn't on the list,' the minister said. 'That's just sick. I'd take the whip off anyone viewing that filth, and use it on myself time and time again. Oh, that feels sooooooooo good.'



First published 3 May 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
















bottom of page