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BBC will outsource future drama projects to Acton am-dram group


In the wake of another attack by Prime Minister Boris Johnson (you're not dreaming, he still is), the BBC announced a move that will no longer see them paying top stars large salaries.


The corporation is to close its world-famous drama studio later this year, and instead all future programmes will be produced and staged by amateur dramatic society, St Michael’s Strolling Players from Acton.


The first programme slated under the new arrangement will an adaptation of the James Joyce classic, Ulysses, with bus driver Alan Chivers cast in the role of Leopold Bloom. The production is to be broadcast live from Acton Drill Hall to save on costly studio sets and recording facilities.


Daphne Miller, a doctor’s receptionist and the group’s creative director said: ‘Alan’s really not bad at all once he's had a few brandies to settle his nerves. His Sky Masterson, when we did Guys and Dolls last Summer, was two-starred by the The Acton Bugle's arts critic.


'Yes, he can be a little shaky remembering lines, but if we write them on bits of the set I'm sure it’ll be alright on the night.’



First published 2 May 2022



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Woman Says She May Have Opened Crisps By Mistake In Public


A woman who says she may have opened some crisps by mistake in public when she should have been paying attention at work has been questioned by a person of average intelligence who just finds it a bit of an unlikely thing to do by mistake, and also quite an easy slip up to remedy if you had done it in error.


The crisp opener was asked, ‘When you found you had opened the crisps by mistake, and realised that right in front of you, all enticing and potatoey, there was crisps-based content for all to see, why did you not then use a method to close them again instantly? Perhaps the Klippit popularised by Lakeland, or an elastic band, or put them in a box until the time at which you did want them open and could enjoy them in private. You could even have hidden the spuddy contraband behind your back to avoid anyone looking over your shoulder and catching a glimpse of root vegetable. By keeping the crisps open, and then consuming the crisps for a period of time, people could infer, not unreasonably, that you did mean to open the crisps and then make repeated use of their rhythmic sexy crunch despite being in public.'


The woman's husband has indicated he is standing by her and stated that while he personally doesn’t approve of crisps he knows that many women enjoy them. Colleagues have said the turgid tubers offended their eyes.



Original image from Pixabay by FotoshopTofs


First published 1 May 2022



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Tory MP told he cannot take sombrero into Commons



The Speaker of the House of Commons has told a Conservative MP he cannot take his sombrero into the House during late night sittings.


The MP was spotted trying to smuggle a large hat into the chambers late on Friday night. Although there are no actual rules forbidding the wearing of hats in the Commons, the Speaker said MPs should dress in a business-like manner and a sombrero was not considered appropriate attire for the occasion.


When asked why he wanted to take a sombrero into the Commons, the MP said it was a personal matter and he was not at liberty to divulge his reasons. But it definitely was not to hide erections.


Then, in a classic Conservative u-turn, the MP did let slip that he had been told by a fellow Tory MP that if he was thinking about getting a head in the Commons, he should seriously think about getting a hat.


'It was something along those lines... although to be fair he was wearing a ball-gag at the time'.



Image from Pixabay by fotshot


First published 30 April 2022



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