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Fake reviews to be illegal - but suppressed reviews by the Met is OK



The government has been quick to announce the crackdown on fake reviews on Amazon and other online sales sites, but has been incredibly quiet about the suppression of the metropolitan Police's reviews regarding PartyGate.


The Met has claimed that it has entered a period of Purdah and cannot provide advice that might favour or otherwise any political party. This despite the May elections being advertised at least a year in advance and almost as long to review the evidence of law breaking that took literally minutes in the hands of beat policemen and women everywhere else in the UK, indeed even in the streets around Westminster at about the time of the alleged parties.


When challenged a Metropolitan Police spokesman agreed to provide a review of PartyGate offences progress. 'Five stars,' he said, adding, 'the idea of bringing your own booze was a cracker.'


First published 26 April 2022



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Rev Green set to be freed as new evidence points to shocking miscarriage of justice



Convicted murderer, The Reverend Green, is to be released from prison after what’s being called a gross miscarriage of justice during the now infamous Cluedo Mansion murder case in 2009.


Green was sent down for a full life term without remission, following Mum’s revelation it was he who committed the grizzly murder using a length of lead-piping in the mansion’s stately ballroom.


However, that conviction is now being called unsafe after new evidence emerged accusing Mum of being a serial cheat at all family board games.


Daughter Tamsin confirmed Mum had once stashed an extra £500 note from a second Monopoly set, in order to settle a crippling fine that would otherwise have seen her crash out of the game after she landed on Mayfair which belonged to Toby who had a hotel on it.


Dad said: ‘You think you know someone and that they can be trusted, then they go and do something like this. It’s impossible to convict Rev Green now as we only have Mum’s word for it that the incriminating evidence was actually even in the envelope at that time.’


But Mum was putting on a brave face. ‘They can say what they like. I’m not worried. At the end of the day, this is all just over a silly trivial pursuit.'



First published 25 April 2023


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Coronation cock rings selling like hot cakes



The desire to demonstrate royalist patriotism better than you through the medium of consumerism is already reaching fever pitch. Sales of coronation merchandise have been described as rampant, with Coronation Cockrings outselling Nicholas Witchell pin cushions by 400%.


Also flying off tatshop shelves are novelty cufflinks that constantly fiddle with themselves, plants which talk back, and his and her's monstrous carbuncles. The Randy Andy range of dry goods, however, has been a complete flop, particularly the 'Homeless Andrew' waterproof, padded sleeping bag.


Popular among the satirical writing market are classy fountain pens which leak like a right royal bastard, and include a voice activation in Received Pronunciation announcing, 'This pissing pen is leaking blue-blood', and 'You deal with this, dear, such annoyances are beneath my status'. The pens also come with a full fountain setting.


For royalist foodies, it's a tight snacking and grazing call between Coronation Cauliflower and Carrot Crunch Candy and the Stoned of Scone Marijuana Cream Tea Hampers. But if one is a royalist too poor to afford food, one can make one's presence heard during the anointing ceremony with a cheap plastic honking vuvuzela.


Astounding many in the motor industry are runaway orders for Mini Coopers in regal purple with Charles III supersized wing mirrors and a crown on the roof. Made in Germany, just like the British Royal Family. But Lady Di Dildos offered by an organisation called the Daily Sexpress have been slammed as 'pushing it a bit'.



Written jointly by Myke & SteveB, and a hat tip to Lockjaw



First published 24 April 2023


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