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He has risen!



An 8-year-old boy rose early this morning and plans to spend the entire day eating Easter eggs, it has been announced.


Damien Bratt has informed his parents that he doesn’t want any breakfast, as he has already eaten six large Easter eggs.


He plans to eat several more Easter eggs throughout the morning, in between sugar-fuelled bouts of running around the house knocking things over, while making as much noise as possible.


After refusing to eat his lunch, Damien will eat some more Easter eggs, before rushing outside to jump up and down on his trampoline until he’s sick all over the cat.


Following a brief sugar-crash, Damien will refuel with some more Easter eggs, which should keep him in an annoyingly hyperactive state until well past his usual bedtime.


He will eventually go to bed very late in the evening, but he plans to wake his parents up several times during the night when he experiences a series of terrifying, chocolate-induced nightmares.


Damien’s mother Kate told us, “I hate Easter – it’s worse than Christmas. At least at Christmas there are new toys to distract him from eating all his sweets at once, but at Easter all he wants to do is eat chocolate eggs.”


When asked how she plans spend Easter Sunday, Kate replied, “My sister bought me a Baileys Easter egg, and a large bottle of Baileys to go with it. Hopefully I’ll be lying on the sofa in a drunken stupor before the Songs of Praise Easter special comes on the telly.”



First published 8 April 2023



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Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'



Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign Office has officially upgraded its criticism of the Russian state from “feeble” to “limp”.


Vladimir Kara-Murza was sentenced for being a vocal critic of President Putin, though the court promised to come up with a more legal-sounding charge as soon as they have a moment. It also insisted that reporters didn’t refer to the prison as a gulag, even though it’s exactly the same series of remote camps in arctic Siberia and people are still being sent there without any pretence of legal process.


A Foreign Office spokesman said today that if upgrading their criticism to “limp” didn’t frighten the Russians into cooperating, the next stage would be “floppy”, after which come “half-hearted”, “pathetic” and finally “wet lettuce”. However, they denied this meant they weren’t making their case strenuously.


'We have asked for an appointment with the Russian Ambassador so we can lodge our protest at their treatment of a British citizen. Unfortunately, his office said he had a hairdressing appointment he can’t move, and after that he’s got tickets to a show. But we’re confident he will at least read the phone messages we left before the weekend.'


First published 19 April 2023



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Police say gang responsible for Brink’s-Mat robbery could be behind Lurpak butter theft



A raid on a convenience store at Heathrow’s International Trading Estate could be the work of the same gang who carried out the Brink’s-Mat gold bullion raid back in 1983, sources at The Met have confirmed.


Police say the armed gang overpowered security guards at the store and threatened to pour petrol over them if they did not reveal where the crisps and chocolate were being kept.


It is thought that before entering the store, the gang had no idea Lurpak was being kept at the premises overnight and had originally targeted a delivery of Pringles and a family size bucket of Cadbury Easter Eggs.

But upon entering the store, the gang could not believe their luck.


Following a tip-off from a security guard that there could be Lurpak in the back of the fridge, the gang turned their attention to a row of chillers located at the rear of the store. The store manager estimated that over 100 tubs of Lurpak were seized during the raid.


Food experts say the golden tubs of butter could be melted down and turned into other food products that look and taste similar to Lurpak and could be sold through underground food outlets across the UK.


Police are asking hardware stores to report any unusual sales of saucepans, frying pans and any other kitchen utensils that could be used for melting down Danish dairy products. Undercover officers are also monitoring high volume sales of crumpets and hot-cross buns.


The butter is estimated to have a street value of around £26m, similar to that of the gold bars taken during the raid of 1983.


Remarkably, the Pringles remained untouched.


‘They are a ruthless and highly organised gang of criminals who will stop at nothing to get their hands on a tub of Lurpak,’ said Met officer Rachel Castle. ‘The public are asked to be vigilant, but under no circumstances should they approach the gang. If you see anybody with butter or anything that looks like butter dribbling down their chin, then please contact the 24hr emergency helpline. This gang must to be stopped. We need to get a lid on this sort of thing before it spreads any further.'


Lloyds of London say a substantial reward will be paid for any information leading to the capture of the gang and the safe return of the butter.


First published 18 April 2023




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