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The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

January, the month of misery, when gyms sell 99.95%* of their subscriptions and otherwise literate people pronounce ‘January’ as ‘Veganuary’. Like that’s a word.


The Vegetarian Police have announced a crackdown on ‘backsliding’.


‘Several offences were reported to our Hotline over the festive season’, a spokesveggie told us. ‘Some minor infractions – not checking which fat the chips were cooked in – some pretty serious stuff – claiming fish ‘don’t count’ – and a number of critical incidents involving turkey.


‘We remind all vegetarians that you can’t grow a fish in a pot on the windowsill – so it isn’t a vegetable. If it’s got eyes, it’s out of bounds’.


The Vegetarian Police don’t have the authority to lock people up – that’s restricted to the Vegans – but they can administer some serious tuttings.


Roll on February.



*The other 0.05% are just weird



Honours system to be streamlined

The government has announced that it will act decisively and take difficult decisions to revamp the honours system.


A decorated spokesman (CBE, services to diplomacy, British Consulate in Barbados) said: 'There is a clear case to simplify the honours system. Anyone who wins Sports Personality of the Year will automatically get a gong. If they have vanquished the Germans or the French, then they are likely to be made a Knight or a Dame as well. Obviously, that would have to be in a proper sport, so not cheese rolling, bog snorkeling or darts.


'The Baftas are the same. Three Baftas usually get you an OBE, it's six Baftas for a CBE, and ten Baftas for a knighthood. If you've got a gold Blue Peter badge, done charity work or made political donations, then you'll be fast tracked.


'The government will put a new simplified system in place, combining all these awards to athletes, actors and celebrities. Awards to diplomats will be made in the basis of their length of service, taking account of any wars ended or started. We propose to cap these honours at no more than 800 a year. And awards to long serving lollipop ladies will be limited to seven a year.


'Finally, there will be no changes to the system for awards to MPs and party donors. The number of honours in these categories will remain uncapped.'



Badgers to vote Reform (because they hate foxes)

A recent poll has shown that badgers are increasingly likely to vote for Nigel Farage after the privileged twit (Check spelling, Ed) declared his love of fox-hunting.


‘They come round ‘ere, eating our chickens’ said Brock (they’re all called Brock, it keeps HMRC at bay), a badger in Sussex, ‘and what does Starmer do? Buys them all dinner! Takes ‘em to the pictures! I tell ya, them foxes better watch aart’.


Badger droppings have been found in High Streets all over England in a coordinated effort known as Operation Shit the Street. Local people tut and walk round the badger poo but have been advised not to confront the badgers as they like a fight. And they’re a bit thick.


Badgers don’t actually have the vote, but nevertheless Keir Starmer has announced plans to woo them. He’s like that. He is also rumoured to be learning to ride to hounds in a frantic bid to emulate his obvious man-crush, Nigel.


Strange times.



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