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LA cop sues Australian reporter for shooting her in the leg

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A Los Angeles police officer who has exercised his right to remain anonymous so that he may continue his duty of shooting innocent people is suing news reporter Lauren Tomasi for $200 million in damages.


Referred to as Officer X in the courtroom, and wearing a hood with badly cut eye holes to mask his identity, the officer spoke via an out of work actor to disguise his voice. 'In one moment, I did more for that dame's career than she had in years. I made her world famous, and what thanks do I get?


'I could see that her report was going nowhere, so I deliberately raised my gun and shot her with non-lethal accuracy. The footage of her report went viral. Like global viral. Channel 9 News Australia should be praising me for the heroic work I did on her behalf.


'But their reaction was the opposite. I just don't get it. The trauma it has caused me is extreme. I'm now suffering from a medically recognised condition called LAPDPTSD. I did the work, and I haven't seen a cent or gotten any recognition for it. OK, the guys made me a special medal back at the precinct afterwards, but the chief says I'm not allowed to wear it in public.


'So, having shot her ass off, now I'm suing it off. And let this be a warning to visiting foreigners: if you don't know how the law works in America, don't come here.'


In response to the legal action, Channel 9 News and Lauren Tomasi released a lengthy statement, which is printed here in its entirety:


'Strewth.'




Man outraged that punk band does punk thing

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Controversy swirls in the aftermath of Glastonbury, after several music acts had the temerity to do something musical. Worse still, self-proclaimed anarchic political performers did something vaguely edgy, instead of three hours of crochet.


The crowd was heard to chant 'death to the IDF', which to be fair, is the one thing the IDF seem to like - and it does rhyme. This was followed by a rendition of 'f$ck off Keir Starmer' - started by his wife and children.


Others claimed that the band name 'Kneecap' is seen as incredibly poor taste, as opposed to Joy Division, which was named after a branch of the Women's Insistute. Complained one middle-aged journalist 'I've never heard anything like it before' - which is kind of the point.




Lisa Nandy 'needed smelling salts' after viewing Glastonbury

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"She was sitting there innocently watching the BBC's coverage of Glastonbury, wondering whether it would be something a bit like Glyndebourne," said a spokes-parrot for the Culture Secretary, Lisa Nandy.


"Then a punk duo called Bob Vylan led crowd chants like 'Free, free Palestine' and 'Death, death to the IDF'. Ms Nandy had just enough time to type out a press release, and a letter of complaint to the BBC, before falling down in a dead faint. She had to be revived with Epsom Salts and extra-strong green tea.


"These are the kind of slogans you'd hear shouted on university campuses and pro-Palestine marches week after week, but who knew they'd also be chanted by a crowd of young people at a festival? Shame on you all for exercising your right to free speech, you little brats! You're not actually meant to use it, you know.


"Our officers have walked alongside hundreds of anti-war protests when people have shouted 'jihad!' but haven't tried to make arrests, fearing for their personal safety," said a spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers.


"But we were so utterly shocked by hearing on the telly things we've heard a thousand times before on the streets that we've urged our colleagues down in Somerset to investigate the musicians forthwith, just as soon as they've all come round from their collective fainting fit. Also, arresting a handful of stupid rappers will be an easy collar for Avon and Somerset Police and make them look important."


"We expect punk and rap bands, which made their names from being edgy and anti-establishment, to be on their best behaviour at Glastonbury," a spokes-governess from the Culture Department told the nation, clutching some pearls in one hand and a lorngette in the other."




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