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Starmer runs out of rakes to step on

The King of Self-Inflicted Wounds has declared a national shortage of rakes and not enough zippers to trap his peni$ in. The PM's commitment to slapstick has meant that he has run out of low beams to collide with, puddles to fall in and genocides to embrace.


Sir Keir's commitment to destroying himself is so strong, he cannot change his socks without crashing the economy. He has the Midas touch - if everything Midas touched turned to something a bit racist.


If there is an unforced error to be made, Starmer is the man with a plan and whoopee cushion. He makes the Chuckle Brothers look like rocket scientists. Said an aide: 'I've seen Keir trip over his own feet and fall head first into a sausage machine. Which is ironic, as Peter Mandleson had to resign because of a sausage machine.'



Robber planning penultimate heist to evade justice


Serial bank robber Danny ‘Fingers’ MacGregor is to carry out his penultimate bank job, a move described by police as “unsporting”.


‘As a police officer I live for final jobs’, DI Watkins told us. ‘Well, final jobs and doughnuts. With a blagger as careful as Fingers you only get one chance to nail him – his last job. The one he can retire on. Always make a mistake, see? Usually it’s a last-minute substitution because the wheelman has a dodgy tummy, sometimes they try to double cross Mr Big – doesn’t matter what it is, the gods are watching, and they know.


‘However, by planning his final two jobs but only carrying out the first, Fingers will miss all that bad luck. I had hoped to see him go down before I retired but this is my final week in the job. Hope it’s reasonably uneventful. For some reason the boss has partnered me with a psychopathic weirdo with a death wish, but I’m sure all will be well’.


Two billion on Tommy Robinson march - numbers swelled by migrants

Official auditors for the Tommy Robinson march on Saturday, accountants Yaxley, Lennon and McCartney have confirmed the numbers and claim the higher than expected turnout is due to immigrants, particularly those arriving on small boats.


Border Control confirms the increase in irregular migrants arriving in the past week.  'They've been making a bee-line for London, claiming they're here just for Tommeh.  They're no trouble, just enjoying the vibe,' said a spokesman.  'I expect they'll be leaving later in the week with their London souvenirs and St George flags.  They like to take them back to Syria as George was a local, wasn't he?' he added.




hat tip to TechGuy 



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