top of page
Search

Trump thwarted in his attempt to end a ninth war


Another day and another mind bogglingly extraordinary claim as Donald Trump tells the world he was snubbed at yesterdays leaders' meeting in Switzerland.


Speaking to reporters he said, 'I travelled all the way from the US to meet this Davros guy. I wanted do a deal with him to end the longstanding war between the Dalek Empire and Earth as my ninth great success. You know, I've ended eight wars already. They said, Mister Trump. No, no. no. It can't be done. But I did it. All eight of them. TRUE.


'And you know what?  The goddamn schmuck didn't even have the nerve to show up. Wow, that Davros is a bad guy. Not a nice guy... not nice at all.'




Trump to cap the price of eggs


The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs.


After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues.


The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials.  This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled.  The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make egg production in the US uneconomic.  Importing eggs is not an option as they are subject to tariffs of10%4%22%50%200%33% at the time of writing.  However, if you can actually find any to buy, then they will be a bargain.


Donald Trump is also expected to sign Executive Orders to cap the prices of Big Macs, bullets, rifles, baseball caps (excepting those with political slogans), bumper stickers, all clothes larger than 2XL, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, Jello, golf clubs, peanut butter, fake tan, Cheetos, American flags, American (but not Mexican) beers, after-sun cream (soothes red necks), blueberry muffins, Dr. Pepper, jogging pants, pretzels, pop-tarts, cable TV, pick-up trucks, Twinkies, microwaveable cheese, weight-loss drugs, lottery tickets, and barbed wire.


Economists are shaking their heads sadly, but are also looking forward to tucking in to some cheap chow. They predict that these price controls could reduce US inflation to around 1%, although the collateral damage could be the closure of thousands of American businesses and the loss of up to a million jobs.  Donald Trump has welcomed these predictions, describing them as ‘a price worth paying.'




World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland


Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead.


'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White House spokesperson Caroline Leavitalone.  'And he's coming for Timpsons next,' she said.  A Timpsons spokesman said, 'cobblers'.




bottom of page