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By our Summer Fashion Trends Reporter, Des Perrott



Following the identification of “Mar-a-Lago face” amongst wealthier MAGA supporters, it is now believed that many Reform UK supporters are copying their own leader’s unique look.


It has been nicknamed “Clacton Face”, or more simply “The Clac”, after the seaside town where Farage spent some time last year. The “Clac” consists of a grey and receding hairline and a perma-tan face with distinctive tree-ring pattern of wrinkles created by years of alternately gurning then switching on a serious political expression, often in a cloud of smoke.


However, supporters have been known to go to great lengths in this display of loyalty, despite many not having much money and it looking particularly odd on his female supporters. Inevitably, as our research department’s analysis shows, there have been unfortunate results.


We spoke to Bert Smith, a retired turf accountant in Basildon. According to Bert, “I managed to dye and shrink my Beatles wig to get the hairline and got a block booking at the tanning salon but the wrinkles were the problem. I can’t afford plastic surgery - I bet it would be on the NHS if we hadn’t let so many migrants in - so I had to ask a bloke down the Tattoo Parlour to see what he could do for twenty quid.


“He tried his best in half an hour but now my mates say my face is frozen like a pink-cheeked rabbit in the headlights. Honestly, it’s a scandal. People will think I support Starmer.”



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United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



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Coming soon to ITVBe, a The Only Way Is Essex special which sees the permatanned imbeciles put aside their summer plans to go to Agia Napa, Ibiza and “Marbs” in favour of congregating outside a hotel housing refugees and shouting abuse at them.


“Look, I’m not racist, right?” said beautician Gemma Asbo. “All me friends are brahhhhn, in’t they? ‘Cept Leanne, she ain’t been in the salon this week.


“But these referee asylum whatevers… I know abroad’s a bit ‘ot sometimes, and you can’t get proper British food like curry or pizza, but that don’t mean they can come ‘ere.”


She offered to hold a sign expressing her opinions if someone else could write it for her, being unable to do it herself because of her fake nails and illiteracy.


“Look, I’m not being racist,” said one asylum seeker, uneasily watching the angry crowd from an upstairs window. “But they’re just not civilised.”


“I quite agree,” said his friend. “Unfortunately in my country women are subjected to many indignities. But I’ve never seen lip filler that bad.”



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