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Drink yourself thin!

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Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat.  'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior nutritionist today, 'every study over the last half Century has pointed to food being linked to obesity'.  Doctors agree, the idea that someone could eat themselves thin is 'nonsense' and 'highly misleading', according to many studies.   Proponents of the concept reluctantly agree that eating is linked in some way to obesity.


Researchers have noted that whisky and other spirits are carbohydrate free.  'A bottle of whisky is enough to fuel the average male for a day, will aid sleep and will wash harmless amounts of snacks down easily.  You never see a fat drunk, apart from that uncle everyone avoids talking about,' said a reseacher reaching for a bottle.  'And whisky drinking is associated with vigorous exercise,' he added, 'according to the study sponsor, Johnny Walker.




‘Reconnect with nature’, urges Princess Kate, whose family owns half of it

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The Princess of Wales has released her latest Mother Nature video, in which she encourages us all to ‘reconnect with nature’ - though her version of nature comes with several stately homes, a helipad, and gardeners who trim the topiary into the shape of corgis.


The videos feature the Prince and Princess enjoying the British countryside, much of which is conveniently owned by them. The Royal Family collectively own over 6.6 billion acres of land worldwide - more than enough for every British citizen to have their own meadow, a small wood, and a personal deer.


A Kensington Palace spokesman said, “Her Royal Highness hopes her message will inspire all citizens to ‘step outside, breathe fresh air, and enjoy the wonders of the natural world’ - provided they don’t accidentally trespass on one of the many royal estates while doing so.”


Critics have pointed out that while Kate enjoys multiple properties and endless private green space, around one in eight UK families have no access to a garden. Still, the Princess insists that everyone can connect with the earth ‘even in a small way’, and suggests those without a garden could perhaps plant a flower in an old yogurt pot, lean out of a window and squint at a patch of municipal grass, or take a walk along a dual carriageway verge. Alternatively, they could buy a castle surrounded by several acres of land, or marry someone with ‘Duke’ in their name.


The Royal Family insist that their estates are managed ‘for the benefit of the nation’ - with the nation’s benefit defined as members of the public being allowed to look at pictures of HIghgrove in glossy coffee-table books, download a high-definition Balmoral screensaver, or gaze wistfully at Sandringham from the nearest bus stop.

Meanwhile, many of us will have to make do with admiring Kate’s beloved countryside from behind a fence before being escorted back to the car park by security, or stay indoors and watch Kate do it on YouTube.




Skibidi peace process

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The Cambridge Dictionary people have decided to add the work skibidi to their dictionary. They define skibidi as ‘a word that can have different meanings, such as 'cool' or 'bad', or can be used with no real meaning as a joke’.


As the word is currently most popular with under-21’s, we’ve decided to see if we can broaden its appeal.  Here is our skibidi take on the peace negotiations between Russia and Ukraine:


Skibidi president, Donald Trump, is negotiating a skibidi deal with skibidi Russian president Vladimir Putin. A skibidi ceasefire has been proposed, although skibidi Russian forces continue to bomb the skibidi out of Ukraine, aiming to take out their skibidi civilian population and buildings. Straight out of Benjamin skibidi Netanyahu’s playbook.


European leaders have had their own skibidi discussions, and although they don’t have a plan, they do have a skibidi position - which is to moan and bitch at Donald skibidi Trump - but in a very positive and supportive way. The European leaders are worried that if they upset the skibidi president, he will impose more skibidi tariffs and their efforts will all be in the skibidi toilet.


So, as you can see, skibidi is a very useful word and its use can dramatically increase effective communication of the whole skibidi shooting match. Pun intended.


The only problem that we can foresee is that if everyone starts using the word skibidi a lot – including older folk – then the skibidi kids will drop it like a hot potato, and come up with some other new words to make them feel special and different.  And next time they might not let on what those words are.


Shocked face emoji, Skull emoji. Aubergine emoji. Have I got that last one right?




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