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After the Barcelona football team agreed a sponsorship deal with an African country, another unusual deal is hitting the headlines. Astonishingly, the UK Labour Party is believed to have agreed a shirt sponsorship deal with Manchester United.


The deal between Barcelona and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) will ‘raise the profile of the country’ and see Barça players’ shirts bearing the slogan DR Congo – Heart of Africa.


The deal between Labour and Man U will ‘raise the profile of the party’ and see players shirts bearing the slogan ‘Up The Reds’. Labour insiders think that the best chance of getting anyone to shout ‘Up The Reds’ these days is at a Man United football match.


The arrangement has been criticised by the other parties, who probably can’t afford to follow suit.  A team called the Clacton Over-50s Occasionals is thought to have rejected an approach from Reform.


Labour insist that the sponsorship deal is good value, and will get them priceless screen time on sports channels and, occasionally, on the BBC. The deal is thought to include free football strip for Cabinet members and free tickets to every match. They say that this deal is part of their levelling up agenda, and that a planned deal with Arsenal was rejected by some stroppy back benchers. 


As part of the deal, Manchester United have promised to promote equality and diversity, to avoid playing any away games in Israel, to ensure that match catering is from sustainable food sources, and to occasionally win a match, if circumstances allow.




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It’s the scourge of our age. Innocent, naïve MPs falling prey to internet pornographers.


‘As soon as they know a person was born before 1990 the crooks are laughing’, said Jacob, 9, part of a taskforce set up to protect adults from online dangers. ‘MPs are particularly vun- vunny- . . .’


‘Vulnerable?’ I suggest.


‘Thanks. Yeah, vunnable. They’re even worse than my mum and dad, and they’re hopeless. At least most grown-ups go to work, do a bit of training, have some common sense. MPs – they live like princesses in a story. Like they just get given money for food, a nice flat in London – they don’t have to work or go to school. Sounds nice. Anyway, they need protecting. Like pandas’.


Former MP Neil Parish would have benefitted from some protection. He lost his seat after an innocent search for tractors led him to an entirely different kind of ploughing. The proposed legislation will require porn sites to verify IQ and check a database of current MPs before allowing access to the good stuff. It’s too late for Neil Parish but might save future Tory MPs having to take the wank walk of shame.


image from pixabay


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After online censorship, onboard breathalysers, the next logical step is Rectal Freedom Plugs. RFPs will be inserted in every adult, under local anesthetic or three pints of larger. RFPs will be keep everyone on their toes, literally - it will be very uncomfortable to sit.


Sir Keir Starmer is the man with a vision and far too much lube. The RFPs will monitor all illicit behaviour - although many argue the vibration warning will act as an incentive not a deterrent.


They will come in a range of colours, but who would know. But you can upgrade to a cheeky fox tail antenna. Explained the Minister: 'Oh, it's not about tracking you, we just thought it would be funny.'


image from pixabay


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