Facial recognition error sees woman booted out of high street Pharmacy

A woman who was wrongly accused of shoplifting due to an apparent mix-up with a facial recognition system was left "fuming" after being kicked out of three stores.

"I felt like socking it to them when they booted me out. I told them it was a load of cobblers." she said. "I was hopping mad"

The Department for Science, Innovation and Technology said: "No one should find themselves in this situation. The store really must avoid putting their foot in it like this. They need to tread carefully when using this powerful technology. If they don't they need a good boot up them. Imagine if the boot was on the other foot."

They said: "While commercial facial recognition technology is legal in the UK, its use must comply with strict data protection laws. Organisations must process biometric data fairly, lawfully and transparently, ensuring usage is necessary, proportionate and on a sound footing.  And if they don't, well, rest assured, someone should definitely take steps to fix it."

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Bible authors ‘must have been on drugs’ say experts

Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.

Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.

‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?

‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.

‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.

Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.

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"Something's going on" confirms conspiracy theorist

A tinfoil hatter, known only by his avatar 'Mani', has confirmed that a thing is "a bit odd."

"Not heard a word on this", he said vaguely gesturing in an imprecise direction. "Weird it's not 'out there.'"

Asked what he was talking about, he said "Exactly! I smell a rat!"

"I thought it was fine," said normal person, Norman Normington, "But now that some internet crank has cast unsupported aspersions about it, I now see it's suspicious, whatever it is."

"Merely a heads-up...but don't be surprised if you don't hear from me again, Oh no! They're here! Beeeeeeeeeeep," wrote Mani on twitter.

His mum has checked his room and he's fine.

Hat-tip ashbery (or is it?)

Image: viarami - Pixabay

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