Birds flying south for the winter have no intention of coming back to Britain

Flocks of different bird species heading south do not intend to return to the UK. A spokes-goose at the head of a flying V formation admitted, 'You're having a lark, eh? There's no way we are coming back to this puffinturd shitshow.'

'All of the lakes, ponds and rivers have human and pig crap in them. There's a lot we'll put up with in swamplands, but chickenshit? No chance - we're off for good, and it's aboot time. From up here we get a bird's eye view of everything. To say it doesn't look promising is a yellowhammer piddle of an understatement. Folks putting out bird feed is on the decline. Even old Tom down the park can't afford to chuck us any of that stale bread anymore.'

Trevor, a penduline tit from South Wales tweeted, 'There is an acute shortage of affordable property. Available birdhouses are on the decline, and it's obvious that our hatchlings will never be able to fly the nest. Frankly, those moat mallards who got that fancy property via an illegal expenses claim can stick their bills up their arses.'

Jessica, a starling from The Wash chirped despondently, 'Most of the juicy insects have been killed off by industrial farming practises which should have been made illegal. You dump that amount of lethal chemicals onto arable land, and you can't expect anything but a swift decline in farming on a national scale. I'm off, and we're not even migratory.

Geoff, a not so common sparrow from Dorset blew the whistle on what is going on right across the entire avian community. 'Literally anywhere is better than this shambles. Even that Canary Island with a constantly roaring volcano, rivers of lava and clouds of choking ash would be an improvement.'

Image: Pixabay:Lolame

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BlahBlahBlah26 angry at Greta Thunberg for claiming that COP26 attendees just go 'blah blah blah'

BlahBlahBlah26 organisers have taken Greta Thunberg to task for diverting attention away from their own gibberish.

David Medium, BlahBlahBlah26’s originator, said at a press conference:

"For 26 years now, we have been meeting in a small hotel in Glasgow with the specific purpose of saying nothing but ‘blah blah blah’ to each other. It is a friendly, safe event where otherwise uninteresting middle managers can meet, eat biscuits and communicate to each other with just one word. At first it feels weird, then funny, then oddly relaxing, which is why we love it.

We don’t have much of a marketing budget and rely largely word of mouth to get our message across. So you can imagine our annoyance when an international celebrity like Greta Thunberg gets up and falsely announces that all the COP26 attendees are just going ‘blah blah blah’. Really Greta? We don’t think so. They are politicians and climate scientists. It is highly likely that they are at least talking about clouds. If you want to just say, 'blah blah blah', then come to the experts. We know how to do it properly."

Mr. Medium had more to say on the matter but he was dramatically interrupted by Bill Darlington of StickThingsUpYourArse26 who brought things to a rapid close with an unrepeatable gesture that we have been advised by our lawyers to never mention.

Image: Pixabay/TheDigitalArtist

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Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.

If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.

There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?

Image: Patsasha | Pixabay

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