Liverpool stripped of World Heritage status, forced to hand back The Beatles

Unbeknownst to the majority of Liverpudlians, The Beatles were only on loan to the city, on the understanding that they never let Ringo sing. The UN committee said they needed to return the entire Beatles’ back catalogue, but they could keep ‘The Frog Chorus’.

Rather embarrassingly, the city had to explain that they had lost two of the original band and offered a tribute version of Gerry and the Pacemakers in part exchange. In a handover ceremony, the two remaining Beatles will be put back into cryogenic suspension, until the Justin Bieber retires.

A UNESCO spokeswoman clarified: ‘Sadly, Liverpool has abandoned its colourful history – like the slave trade and tobacco warehouses. All the beautiful architectural landmarks – celebrating slave owners – are being removed. It’s a disgrace. They even tore down a priceless statue of a large pile of dead slaves, sponsored by Marlboro Lights’.

Liverpool will no longer have bragging rights to having the best band from the UK, that honour now passes to a skiffle band from Crawley. Said one despondent fan: ‘Without The Beatles how am I going to know that modern music sounds sh$t?’

Air con more expensive than cocaine

The Met Office has issued an amber extreme heat warning for the first time, driving the pound for pound cost of air conditioning units, street name "AC" or "air" above that of crack cocaine or bitcoin.

An former AC dealer spoke on condition of anonymity:

'I was mixed up in the "air" scene, yeah, but it's just too brutal now, so I've gone back to dealing heroin. I knew a John Lewis delivery guy, dropped off a water cooler by mistake. Nice neighbourhood. They beat him to death with it and left him by the side of the road like a warning.'

A fixer for the PM, self-isolating at Chequers said:

'It's hot and he's confined to base, avoiding Covid blame, so he's frisky. The chef said we were having roast pork and I didn't like the faraway look in his eye. Send AC and nudes.'

Woman ecstatic after finding an episode of Friends she hadn't seen

Thirty three year old mum of three and self-proclaimed "World's Number 1 Friends Fan", Laura Bishop, of Newport, was beside herself yesterday after finding an episode of the surprisingly popular 1990s sitcom "Friends", which she had never seen before.

"I was just channel hopping when, all of a sudden, I found myself on E4+1. The theme music came on and I sang along, as you do, and a funny feeling came over me. It all felt slightly different, yet totally familiar." she told our reporter, adding, "I consider myself to be an expert on the show and it's my specialist subject if I'm ever asked to go on the Mastermind."

"I've always been a huge fan of the show and I thought I'd seen every episode but this was unbelievable, like discovering a new colour, opening the tomb of the Sphinx or crossing the Rubix cube."

"I couldn't believe it. It's called: The one where Joey buys toothpaste. I was mesmerised. For the first few minutes I couldn't move. Then the adverts came on and I started texting and messaging all my friends to let them know."

"Jen told me I had seen it before, but she was thinking of "The one where Chandler buys floss" and Karen said she's seen it but couldn't tell me what colour earrings Rachel was wearing, so I don't believe her."

When asked if she had enjoyed the episode, Laura replied, "Even though I missed the last 10 minutes because a parcel came and I had to sign for it, then I forgot I was watching TV and made a cup of tea. When I got back to the living room it was over, but I absolutely loved it."