Fears over King Charles’ health after complaining of a ‘heavy heart’

King Charles’ private cardiologist has advised the monarch to have a battery of tests undertaken after he announced today he has a heavy heart.

It appears the duty footman failed to observe any change in weight when the King was weighed on the royal bathroom scales, and can expect to be mercilessly flogged if the MRI scan the cardiologist has arranged shows up an abnormal enlargement of the heart, however it isn’t yet known when this will be done, as it requires locating an MRI scanner with a blue blood filter, which the NHS has been remiss in purchasing.

Newsbiscuit asked Professor M O delmaker what the prognosis for the King might be if it does turn out he has an abnormally heavy heart, but he was in a silly mood after five pints of Olde and Filthye and just said “Aorta know the answer, and if it comes to me while I’m taking a leak, I’ll tell you.”

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Father Jack Hackett elected Pope

The Catholic world was stunned today by the speedy election of a new pope, following the sad demise of Pope Francis early this morning.

Father Jack Hackett, formerly of Craggy Island parish off the west coast of Ireland, is thought to owe his election to the tireless campaigning of Fathers Ted Crilly and Dougal McGuire, and his housekeeper Mrs Doyle bribing the cardinals with pots of tea and huge plates of sandwiches. 

Hackett is expected to be a relatively conservative pontiff, having described the poor and meek as “a shower of bastards”. His only views on women seem to be that he’s terrified of nuns but likes to see schoolgirls playing sport in their underwear, the latter putting him very much in the mainstream of Catholicism. Pretty much anything else he describes as “an ecumenical matter”.

His only pronouncements since gaining office have been “Drink!” and “Feck!”, which according to tradition were translated into Latin before being published as the encyclical “Bibendum Copulorum”. 

Father Crilly is said to have considered running for the papacy himself, until a scandal concerning campaign funds which he insists were just “resting” in his account. Father McGuire likewise doomed his own candidacy by laughing about “that mad cult” that believes in the guy coming back to life after three days, not realising he was describing Catholicism, as well as addressing Bishop Brennan as “Len”. Both frankly admit that their main motivation for getting Hackett elected pope was to make sure giving him his annual bath became someone else’s job.

As he was presented to jubilant crowds in St Peter’s Square, holding his ceremonial brick, Pope Inebrius the First (as he has chosen to be named) glared at them myopically and proclaimed “At last I’m off that fecking island!”

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Next Pope to be chosen by Simon Cowell

The smoke from the Vatican is normally from all the burning records that the previous Pope was trying to cover up. The real selection is by a 'Conclave', which is Latin for Variety Show.

Traditionally the Pope was chosen by doves, or painted pigeons if cheaper. The candidates would cover themselves in breadcrumbs and then the doves would shit on their favourite. Finally the doves would be released, having pecked to death the losers.

In these enlightened times, each wannabe Pope has to say how they would bring about world peace, while been ogled by a bunch of lecherous old men. The exhaustive process will culminate in a Cardinal sing-off and swimwear round. The winner gets to be in any boy band they want and any choir boy they fancy.

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