TV Licence fee to be based on the size of your TV

A review of TV licensing has concluded that the only fair way to assess what the charge should be is to base it on the physical size of televisions. The Secretary of State for Square Eyes told Newsbiscuit that it’s obvious that people with large TVs are consuming more BBC output than people who have to watch it on their smartphones; and have devised a formula whereby the standard licence fee will only apply to smartphones; and all other fees will be based on a multiple of this, depending on the comparative multiple in area the TV screen is compared to a smartphone.

A BBC technology expert said "The BBC had been hoping to make this change for many years, but had to wait until the number of Smart TVs had reached an ownership threshold that enabled the BBC to be certain which size TVs households have, because without those TVs boasting how big they are via their inbuilt BigBruv™ transmitters, the lying bastards who own them would almost certainly pretend they only had smartphones, or Sinclair MTV-1 Micro TVs."

Some viewers believe they can outwit the system by sellotaping a sheet of cardboard over the TV screen with a smartphone-sized cutout, so they can get away with paying the lowest fee, but this has yet to be tested in court.

There is good news for pensioners with smartphones in that they can apply to be exempt from the smartphone TV licence, provided they complete a 240-page online application form, access to which requires completing a test that requires a knowledge of computer coding to prove they aren’t robots.

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Highlights Of Today’s Nail-Biting Snooker

Today’s snooker featured two men with sticks. One of the sticks looked slightly different to the other in two ways. First it was a more speckled variety of stick but the real discussion came when one observer noticed that the chalky bit on one of the sticks was considerably smaller than the chalky bit on the opposing stick.

The game was paused for some time as observers discussed whether there was some degree of advantage to having a smaller chalky bit than a bigger chalky bit. Disappointingly, this enthralling debate failed to reach a conclusion, and may indeed be revisited at a later date.

The snooker game resumed and got very exciting when one man used his stick to hit a ball around an expensive-looking table, which in turn hit other balls around the expensive-looking table and they all made a clickety-clackety noise. Then the man sat down.

Just as we thought things were dying down, the other man stood up. He approached the expensive-looking table and pulled some faces for a little while before bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and bending down and standing up and...this went on for a little while. Then he seemed to get bored with that view so went for a walk around the expensive-looking table, pulling faces, and putting some chalk on the chalky bit of his stick.

The man then, just to remind himself how his stick works, bent down to the expensive-looking table and commenced to thrust his stick back and forth across the thumb of the hand that was currently not operating his stick. Eventually he approached the white ball, bent down, and fortunately remembered how his stick works – thank goodness for that practice moments earlier. He used his stick to hit the white ball and clickety-clackety they all went again before he sat down.

Be sure to return for tomorrow’s instalment where we’ll discuss the man who licked his finger and touched the expensive-looking table

image from pixabay

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night.

Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family gathers in the lounge, in front of the television, to celebrate their new tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who.

‘We always used to watch Doctor Who together,’ says Mum, Alice. ‘But the show has gone right down the pan. It hasn’t really been any good since Matt Smith. Peter Capaldi was borderline OK. Jody Whittaker was bad. Ncuti Gatwa, I think, is pretty good. But the whole show is let down by really terrible writing, and by a dim-witted reliance on expensive special effects paid for with Disney money. The BBC has sold out. Russell T doesn’t care any more – he’s only doing it because he gets such a big paycheck.’

Daughter Kylie agrees. ‘The stories are rubbish and they are all the same. A monster does bad things to lots of people, ideally a whole planet or a whole galaxy. Doctor Who turns up, runs around a lot, waves his sonic screwdriver, and fixes things in a way that makes no sense at all. The monsters are all boring ones brought back from when Doctor Who was in black and white, but tarted up a bit.

Dad, Colin, complains that the whole show is just intergalactic wokery. ‘I’ll be impressed when we have an alcoholic doctor. Or when Doctor Who eats bad food on an alien planet and has to spend the whole episode in the toilet. That guy never eats – how does he do that?

‘Actually, I agree with Mum. It is the terrible writing that let’s it all down. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and erase Sylvester McCoy, and Peter Davidson and everything after David Tennant.

So, the new Cooke family tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who now focuses on rewatching old DVDs of Sapphire and Steel, and Blake's Seven and Tomorrow People – proper sci-fi that you can actually believe in.

image from pixabay