Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List

A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'

He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'

While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'

Image: Teslariu Mihai (@mihaiteslariu0) | Unsplash Photo Community

Complete 'Pope Lying in State' DVD box set to be released next month

It has been confirmed that a complete boxset of Pope Francis's 72 hours lying in state will be released on DVD next month.

Vatican City has announced it has partnered with BBC Home Entertainment to release the 18-disc set in order to not only provide comfort to the millions of Catholics who were unable to make the trip to St Peter's Basilica, but also top hopefully help non-believers to understand the importance of this auspicious occasion.

'The box set will of course come complete with special features.' said a spokesman 'We'll have a multi-angle viewing to allow viewers to actually experience the mind-numbing boredom of standing in the queue for hours as well as a full commentary from Archbishop Besungu and Cardinal Endo. Those names alone should be enough to make the discs fly off the shelves."

This set comes just two-and-a-half years after the BBC released their highly-successful and award-winning 'Queen Elizabeth II Lying in State' set, and will also be available on Blu-Ray and 4K. A release date for the soundtrack has yet to be confirmed.

Image: Security - Pixabay

Royal critic commits suicide by shooting himself in back twelve times

It has been reported that Virgil Griffin, a noted critic of the UK monarchy and who was believed to have damaging information on a senior Royal, has suddenly but possibly not unexpectedly committed suicide by shooting himself in the back a dozen times.

Griffin made headlines a few weeks ago when he announced he had information on an unnamed senior member of the Royal family which he claimed would 'shock the foundation of this country to the core'. The Royals denied that Griffin, who they called 'delusional and may likely do harm to himself some day', could possibly have any kind of dirt on them. Even though, they refused to sue him out of principal before offering to give him several million pounds purely as a 'token courtesy gesture'.

A police spokesman has stated that 'following an extensive two-hour investigation we can conclude that Mr Griffin absolutely and definitely killed himself by taking out a handgun and shooting himself in the back twelve times. We did consider the possibility of misadventure as Griffin was extremely accident prone, as just before killing himself Griffin broke his own leg, gave himself two black eyes, knocked out several of his teeth and he'd also somehow stamped on his own fingers. Anyway, this is clearly an open-and-shut case so we need to just move on.'

The police have also urged people to ignore recent social media posts by Mr Griffin in which he claimed:

'They're out to get me!'

'I think I'm being followed'

'If something happens to me, check the hard drive of my computer'

'I have absolutely no intention of committing suicide, that's something I can guarantee'

'Clearly the ramblings of a severely paranoid man, best we brush these aside' claimed the police spokesman when asked about this, before quickly adding that Mr Griffin had also accidentally smashed up and burnt his computer as well.

When contacted a Royal aide said they were extremely sorry to hear about Griffin's suicide, while insisting the sounds of a celebration in the background were from next door, honestly.

Image: Teslariu Mihai (@mihaiteslariu0) | Unsplash Photo Community