23andMe to offer 'What percentage Elon Musk?' option

Elon Musk’s stated determination to have more children, on top of the 14 he has already, raises the possibility that in the future, all living human beings will have at least some Elon Musk in their DNA. 

With this in mind, genealogy company 23andMe has said it plans to offer customers the option of knowing what percentage Elon Musk they are. 

'Of course, this won’t be compulsory,' said the company. 'If you’d rather not know, we can just put it down as ‘South African heritage’.'

As this option isn’t available yet, we have produced this handy guide to determining whether you might be one of Musk’s offspring.

1) Do you have a ridiculous name? If your name is Techno Mechanicus, Seldon Lycurgus, Exa Dark Sideræl or X Æ A-Xii, it’s highly likely you are a child of Musk. However, this test is not considered conclusive, as you may also be a Geldof. 

2) Do you find yourself paying court to vile people, pretending to be impressed by them just because they have power?

3) Do you often fire people for no reason, then frantically rehire them when you realise they were doing something important?

4) Do you spend a fortune building spacecraft which invariably blow up when you try to launch them?

5) Have you designed a road vehicle so ugly, it actually looks better after it’s been vandalised?

6) Is Amber Heard trying to sleep with you? (NB This only applies if you’ve inherited a lot of Elon’s money.)

7) Do you have a freakishly large puppet head?

8) Are you creepy as hell?

Image by amorimbiotec from Pixabay

God's architect wins award

Following the Pope’s announcement that Antoni Gaudí - better known as God’s architect - had been declared Venerable, the Vatican says it intends to hold annual award ceremonies declaring God’s favourites across a range of jobs and professions.

The awards will see accountants, bankers, lawyers and others vying to be God's chosen one, first in their own profession and then to go on to win the overall title of God's favourite human. The Vatican hopes that the awards will outstrip the Oscars and the Golden Globes in popularity,

The Archbishop of Milan told reporters that almost everyone that knows anything about football will already know that AC Milan were chosen many years ago by the supreme being as his favourite football team. How else would you explain that they are still going strong, despite the countless charges of bribery and corruption against them. That, without doubt, is proof of divine intervention.

Pope watchers in the Vatican have said with their experience in money laundering, having people disappeared, and their already close ties with the Vatican, it’s very hard to look past one of the big Italian banks for God’s favourite Banker. Given Jesus’s barely disguised support of the wealthy, give unto Caesar what is Caesar's, an Italian Bankers win seems nailed on.

The British press are anxious that there should be plenty of UK interest in the awards and are asking readers to put forward possible candidates for nomination, which they will pass onto to the Archbishop of Westminster. To date, some names offered by Daily Mail readers are, Enoch Powell (favourite politician), Queen Elizabeth II (God's favourite horse breeder) and Tommy Cooper (favourite comedian in a fez). Just looking at Tommy would make God crease up, said Malcolm from Berkshire.

Image by Almeida from Pixabay

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed

Family Loses Bidding War for Garden Shed to Slightly Less Desperate Family Who Sold a Kidney

By Dusty Leasehold, Property Correspondent for The Daily Desperation

In a Kafkaesque twist of Britain’s housing crisis, the Boggis family have been outbid on yet another property - this time by a family whose only apparent advantage was not yet being at the “eating cold baked beans straight from the tin” stage of desperation.

The disputed dwelling was a 6x8ft garden shed in Croydon, optimistically listed as a 'bijou studio with rustic charm' by letting agent Roland Cheetham, who later admitted the photos were taken 'before the woodworm moved in.'

'We offered £200 over asking price, said Terry Boggis, gripping his printed-out Rightmove listing like a condemned man clutching his last cigarette. 'Then the agent mentioned the other family had offered to pay the entire year’s rent upfront. Turns out they’d sold a kidney. A f@cking kidney!”

The rivals, Daz and Stacey from Romford, turned out to be equally desperate - just marginally less broke. 'We sold the Xbox, cancelled Disney+, and moved in with Stacey’s nan for six months,' admitted Daz, bouncing a toddler on his hip in the shed’s 'open-plan living space' – a single room that smelled of damp and crushed dreams. 'Honestly? We’re one payslip away from bidding against you for a park bench.'

Cheetham, adjusting his Hermès tie, explained shiftily: 'The advertised price is just the starting bid in the auction of human misery. Next time, consider selling something vital – like your firstborn or that signed Robbie Williams vinyl.'

The Boggises have since viewed a converted public toilet in Zone 6 ('original Victorian features'), a parking space with 'potential for conversion' (a tent), and the attic above a kebab shop ('comes with free heating'). Their 28-year-old son Jayden has started referring to viewings as 'poverty tourism'. Meanwhile, Nan Beryl has taken to standing outside Foxtons muttering: 'I’ll curse the bollocks off whoever buys my council flat.'

At press time, the family were considering whether to finally accept that Hull exists, or hold out for a more prestigious cardboard box in Reading. As Terry observed, while being shown a 'unique fixer-upper' (a burnt-out caravan in Slough), 'At least the rats look happy.'

Mr Cheetham was last seen listing a bus shelter as 'a charming al fresco residence with excellent transport links.'

Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay