Talcum Powder to be rebranded as 'Best Ass Dust'

Following the recent lawsuits in USA & UK, a well-known brand of talcum powder has been withdrawn from chemists' shelves by teams in white overalls and breathing apparatus, following revelations that the product contains asbestos.

A spokesman for the un-named company didn’t want to Talc about it, but read out a carefully powdered down statement saying that it had been mis-prescribed as 'Babies Johnson Powder'and that it was meant to be sold exclusively for Boots only.

Image credit: perchance.org

Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be listed

Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is to be listed and is to go on tour next year after Winkleman and her co-host Tess Daly leave Strictly Come Dancing.

English Heritage confirmed that Winkleman’s fringe is being given Grade II listed status in honour of its “cultural status”. A spokesperson said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is seen by millions of people every year. Granting it Grade II listed status saves it for the nation.’

The show’s producers said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is a national treasure. The tour will allow members of the public a chance to get close to an important part of television’s best-loved presenters.’

The tour will take in cities, towns and villages across the UK, much like the Olympic torch tour in 2012.

The operation, called a ‘fringeoctomy’, involves two small incisions being made in the scalp under local anaesthetic, and then a gentle peeling back and lifting of the fringe. A skin graft from the back is then applied to the affected area and a new fringe grows within weeks.

Observers say Winkleman’s fringe needed cutting anyway. ‘If you look at episodes of the show from ten years ago, you can clearly see her eyebrows’, said one member of Strictly fan club, Telford Tango. ‘Now her eyes are barely visible.’

Winkleman, who has presented the show since 1951, said: “I’m nervous about the operation obviously, but excited too. As long as Craig Revel Horwood is not the surgeon….”

image from grok

Manhunt for asylum seeker nets six suspects who aren't him

A manhunt launched to catch an Ethiopian asylum seeker who escaped from prison has successfully rounded up six suspects who are nothing like him.

"We were told to put the dangerous sex offender on a plane to Addis Ababa," said prison service director Derek Blunder, "but we somehow got the order muddled up and released him with £1,000 pocket money and directions to an agreeable pizza restaurant and the railway station.

"We then put a dragnet over the whole of the UK to catch him - which we didn't, because we're so useless.

"However, we did manage to round up Shergar, Mata Hari, Frida Kahlo, Lord Lucan and Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men.

"We'll be passing them onto the police at Charing Cross station to fit up for random crimes. Then we'll put them in prison for life before releasing them all by mistake, as well."

The Justice Secretary ordered HM Prison Service bosses to lock themselves up for gross incompetence, but they said they had lost the key.

image from gemini.google.com

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