Unemployed Arkansan surprised to find himself appointed Attorney General

Unemployed Arkansas man Dave Goober was surprised to see on Fox News that he’d been appointed Attorney General of the United States.

”Ah thought they must mean some other guy,” Goober told reporters, “until the motorcade turned up outside mah trailer.”

A White House statement described Goober as “a great guy with strong experience, known for his attention to detail”, though Goober admitted he wasn’t sure why he’d been fired from the chicken shop where he used to work. It also said he had “extensive experience of America’s justice system, albeit mostly from the point of view of a suspect”.

It concluded by describing him as “the perfect replacement for Pam Bondi”, at which Goober grinned and said “Ah liked her, she was hot!” and put his hand down the front of his dungarees,

However, Trump later posted on Truth Social that of course it was a mistake and Goober wasn’t their pick for Attorney General.

”No, he’s the new Chief of Staff of the army.”

image by Grok

Reform seeks candidates who are “a bit less Reformy”

Following scandals over candidates doing Nazi salutes or saying the victims of the Grenfell fire “would have died anyway”, Reform have decided they need to find candidates who “are a bit less Reformy”.

The strategy was outlined by party chairman Lee Anderthal, who before he went into politics specialised in making stone tools and flint arrowheads.

“The trouble is, we seem to only attract people who are a bit dim and hopeless. Who just have a vague, self-pitying dislike of the modern world they’re not intelligent enough to process, and imagine it’s all the fault of immigrants.”

”He’s right,” agreed the head of the party’s Irish branch, Austral O’Pithecus, whose special responsibilities include making fire. “Everyone who joins Reform basically sees things as stupidly as we do. We need to find people who are much smarter than us, but inexplicably want to be Reform candidates.”

They concluded by expressing the hope their new manifesto might attract the kind of people they want. Unfortunately it’s thought it wasn’t seen by many people, as it was only available as a cave painting.

image by Grok

Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises.

"These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is.

"Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching missiles at Iran and abusing the cringing leaders of satellite states."

"We lurrve him," said two newlywed cousins from Squawking, West Virginia, who have signed up to Hicktok.

"He's gonna buy us a pick-up truck and a new hunting rifle," they added, gullibly.

image by Grok