Starmer to scrap NHS and England... sorry, NHS England

Confusion has followed the announcement that Labour would be cutting the NHS, mainly because we thought it had been phased out years ago. Now it turns out they plan to remove the administrative regulator of the NHS and replace it with a pothole, filled patient data and regret.

The PM made it clear that the £8bn funding shortfall would be made it up from saved post-it notes. Any vital jobs will be replaced by AI and a quick game of Hasbro's Operation. A Government spokeswoman clarified: 'We are absolutely not getting rid of the NHS core services...that's next week.'

Image: WixAI

Nicola Sturgeon considers new career as a celebrity

Having given politics a brief whirl and collected the 'Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt' tee shirt, Nicola Sturgeon is now considering ways of furthering her career as a celebrity. Her preferred choices appear to be between Celebrity Dancing, Celebrity Cooking and being a Celebrity Scot.

The other principal option, hanging out on an island somewhere with a bunch of randy teenage knuckle-heads did not appeal to her - 'Too much sunshine! We Scots can't cope with that!'

She has decided to take some time out before launching into her new career as a Top Gear presenter, driving that motorhome.

Image: dimitrisvetsikas1969 - Pixabay

H/T sirlupus

Food brand ordered to clarify on packaging that contents are 'New and Worse'

The marketing department of a brand which produces your favourite snack has been interfering again.

To justify their unjustifiable salaries, they changed the colour of the packaging and paid an agency £1.4 million to alter the font by an unnoticeable 1 degree slant. The year before that, they changed the name of your top treat to a ridiculous word chosen from a thousand generated by AI, all of which meant nothing to anyone.

Head of marketing, Binki Lamé, gushed, 'Our customers will be thrilled to learn that my team has thoughtfully finessed their favouritest thing ever into a 66% smaller serving. This is a super-generous act of kindness to reward them for their loyalty by assisting them as part of their own controlled diet.

'But wait, there's more...

'My team has also upgraded the ingredients to significantly less costly ones. We have managed to achieve this through dedication, mindfulness, and an increase in recommended retail price.

'On a personal level, what I am most proud of is a magnificent improvement in flavour, described by our customer focus group as 'unstomachable'. That's a word so super-amazing it isn't even in the dictionary. It's a descriptive level that competitors will take years to replicate. Smug face emoji. I know, right?

'The annual snacking and grazing industry awards are coming up next month and no one is going to touch me.'

Image: Clker-Free-Vector-Images - Pixabay and Red Stamped Text Effect | Font Generator