Mahmood deports Paddington

The Home Secretary made it clear she had zero tolerance for illegal immigrants- particularly the furry variety that $hit in woods. In a TV outburt Shabana Mahmood, accused Paddington of being a bear of military age, determined to come over here and rape our marmalade.

Her aide said. 'I don't care how he got here, small boat or the pen of Michael Bond - that little work-shy Peruvian ba$tard is getting the boot.' This follows the UK adopting Denmark's strident anti-immigration laws, which saw the Little Mermaid pickled and sold as a rollmop.

Initially housed with the Brown family, until Tommy Robinson fired bombed their house, Paddington has been living rough. Mahmood said Paddington's suitcase and hat would be confiscated to cover the cost of his deportation. 'Someone had put a note on him saying 'Please look after this bear' - well f%ck you, Aunt Lucy, you trafficking scum.'

Photo by Alex Stone on Unsplash

Reform says Frankie the escaped flamingo should be prosecuted

Reform says that Frankie, the Caribbean flamingo that recently escaped from Paradise Park Wildlife Sanctuary in Hayle, Cornwall, on 2 November, should be prosecuted.

After the escape the bird was seen a few days later in Goulven Bay in northern France where it appears to have settled, no doubt attracted by the wide availability of baguettes and croissants.

A Reform spokesperson said: 'Obviously she’s a free-spirited thing, much like our leader, but that doesn't give her the right to fly roughshod over the UK’s admittedly ramshackle immigration laws. If she thinks she can just bugger off to France like she’s on some Tui holiday, then she has another thing coming.

'As I understand it, she has been living in Cornwall for two years without the relevant paperwork, and just amusing tourists by catching the odd fish and balancing on one leg. Or is that a heron? Whatever. She hasn’t been contributing. Anyhow, she's France’s problem now and hopefully she won’t come back.'

But the French aren’t happy either. The mayor of Goulven said: 'Our resources are already stretched by

les petits bateaux’ [literally ‘the little cakes’] and we have no easy way of sending Frankie home. But I guess if push comes to shove, we can always make her prime minister.'

Photo by Lex Melony on Unsplash

Trump secures deal of Bone Saws to Saudi Arabia worth $300

With fly-bys, gun salutes and massive corruption, the so called US administration welcomed Mohammed bin Salman into the Oval Sales Office.

The full range of bone cutting equipment was laid out on the Resolute Desk on cheap gold plinths. The Saudi officials were particularly interested in the compact, fold away travel version with torch attachment, ideal for working in darkened back rooms of consulates.

His Majesty felt obliged to show interest in the powered reciprocating saws. These had toughened blades that oscillate at 12,000 strokes per minute. More than Trump in beauty pageant changing room.

Trump was very happy to talk in length about the best deal, the most best deal ever on surgical equipment, the likes of which no one had ever seen before, before he started to insult the press.

When one tried to ask about human rights, the prince was heard to mutter “You chop up one journalist...”