Rats annoyed about being linked with billionaire scumbags

“Look, this has got to stop, we have a bad enough reputation as it is, but please stop linking us with awful elitist bellends just because of name similarity. We get it, we are associated with loads of awful stuff, our PR team is nowhere near as good as the squirrels.

Smell a rat? Dude….no need. Why can’t we have “Brave Whistle-blower Rat" rather than just rat out?

Even our skill set is mocked, we are really good swimmers and just being wet gets you classed as looking like a drowned rat. Just rude. If you are untrustworthy, do you get called a dirty vole? No, you don’t, it’s us again.

Even our efficient, prompt, sensible evacuation of a sinking sea vessel is somehow a bad trait.

We are the go-to animal for deceit, mess, and being sneaky. Do we even get credit for our ability to survive falls from great heights? Nope, cats get all the recognition for that one. We are fast and agile, how about a compliment for that? Our ability to run up drainpipes is not “panicking” it’s an admirable skill for crying out loud.

Put the word bag after our name and that means annoying, that is just weird. Anyway, we can deal with that, but we draw the line at being associated with Monaco based, tax avoiding billionaire shitehawks. Yes hawks, you’re not always majestic killing machines, welcome to our world.

Billionaires should be thrown to the rats….Goddammit.”

image form pixabay

White House hires exorcist to deal with Epstein’s ghost

A confused White House is believed to be considering hiring a Catholic priest to exorcise Jeffrey Epstein’s ghost.

‘All I hear is Epstein’s ghost this, Epstein’s ghost that’, a spokesman said. ‘The big man wants this ghost gone, just like he wanted some random people in Minneapolis gone, so that’s what we’re gonna do’.

A Vatican spokesman confirmed that exorcism is still a thing but pointed out that the problem might be more to do with living people than dead ones. The Vatican also said we shouldn’t expect ‘spooky music, people having their heads sliced off in freak accidents or walls pasted with pages from the Bible’. Disappointing. Maybe there’s a premium service we could order, like Exorcism Platinum?

Jeffrey Epstein was an evil man who arranged the rape of hundreds of children by, erm, nobody else. Just himself, presumably. He was the only one charged, so that must mean that he arranged an entire paedo island infrastructure just to satisfy the perverted interests of one man. And now he’s haunting the White House, which is additional proof that he was a wrong ‘un.

The world is a much safer place with Epstein gone. Since there weren’t any other rich paedophiles, we can safely assume that children in America are now safe and won’t be raped any more. There definitely won’t be any organised networks of rich, powerful men abusing children systematically, because there really was only the one and he’s now dead.

Rest easy, America. 

image from Grok

Gold for Team GB as Keir Starmer wins the 500m skating on thin ice

There was restrained, almost apologetic jubilation at Team GB headquarters last night as Keir Starmer secured gold in the newly created Olympic discipline, Skating on Thin Ice.

The course itself was a triumph of modern hazard management, featuring a crevasse filled with snowflake WASPI women, a regiment of frozen pensioners, a slalom of compulsory U-turns, an avalanche of meaningless apologies and a lake of ice so thin it was last seen hosting a Labour policy announcement.

Starmer, dressed in his trademark figure-hugging grey aerodynamic suit, grey tie, grey hi-vis vest and grey helmet, employed what commentators described as the “Dull Lawyer’s Glide”, a textbook move straight out the choreography textbook.

Extra points were awarded for technical difficulty after Starmer simultaneously committed to crossing the lake, ruled it out, reintroduced it as a possibility and then insisted he had already crossed it several times in principle.

Bob Sleigh, Head of Team GB Pointless Sports, praised the performance. “With a modicum of skill, a dearth of talent and the personality of a broken office thermostat, Keir has shown that you really can avoid political death and cling to survival by your fingernails.”

Starmer thanked the crowd, apologised for winning, apologised again for the apology, and commissioned a review into whether gold medals were still appropriate in the current climate.

image by Grok