MP angry at spy offering bribe, not the actual bribe

The House of Commons has rebuked China for offering them pretend sex and money instead of legitimate sex and money. Said one Minister. 'If I'm going to be embroiled in a scandal, I don't want it be a fake sex trafficked teenager, I want the real thing.'

MI5 warned that politicians could be coerced into giving away the nation's secrets, instead of selling them off to the first lobbyist they see. 'China has muddied the waters, by corrupting our already corrupt MPs, meaning our politicians might actually get into trouble.'

A Minister said. 'These bribes are outrageous. And so small!'

Reform deny reaction to Nathan Gill sentencing will include interpretive dance

'Our response to the sentencing of Nathan Gill, who despite being the last leader of Reform in Wales and a prominent MEP for the Brexit Party and, previously, a prominent MEP for UKIP is provisionally - who?' said a frog-faced spokesleader of Reform who declined to be named.

'The suggestion that we will respond using interpretive dance or any other woke artform is insulting,' said the un-named leader of the parties that Nathan Gill represented at a high level whilst being apparently unknown to the present and prior leadership (same person). 

When indisputable evidence was presented that Gill was indeed well known to the current leadership when breaking the law parroting Russian propaganda for bribes that his colleagues parroted apparently for free the un-named leader suggested that if Gill got off with a slap on the wrist without dobbing in 'other people' then he might consider a tap dance.  If Gill took it on the chin the spokesman suggested the Reform leadership might be receptive to a gig on Strictly.  'What do they pay?' he asked, apparently finding time in his diary for an additional job.

Photo by Dmitry Ant on Unsplash

Trump to release Epstein files after Game of Thrones

The President has been accused of delaying incriminating evidence by tying it to George.R.R.Martin's work rate. A spokeswoman clarified. 'Nonsense, the President has every confidence George will release the final books. He wants to put all the dodgy sex behind him, although George wrote it like that.'

Much like the books, Trump is hoping the files have an anticlimactic ending - preferably without him climaxing. HBO are said to be interested in the files but are concerned that it will be too rude even for them.

Conspiracy theorists think George will be killed before he finishes, although fans have said that he's more likely to die of old age first. 'The President hoping neither the files or books have a happy ending. And, yes, he knows that has a double meaning.'

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash