Elves and Goblins made me appoint Mandelson, says Starmer

'I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons.

'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting.

'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the chamber - including from himself. 'But you have to believe me.

'We will now be restructuring processes to redefine the role that civil service elves and goblins play when it comes to security vetting. Then everything will be back in order in Munchkinland.

'Hang on! Who are these men in white coats? Where are taking me?'

Starmer saw, did & understood nothing- so what's the point of him?

T

he Prime Minister claimed the 'I know nothing, I'm a complete muppet' defense when explaining his incompetence to the House of Commons. Asked if he was aware that Mandelson had failed his vetting, the PM claimed not to know what a vet was.

By his own admission, his only qualification for the most powerful job in Britain is that he is completely clueless and has slopier shoulders than a pencil. Suddenly his inability to prosecute Jimmy Saville and Prince Andrew start to make more sense when your realise Sir Keir cannot tie his shoelaces together.

His supporters always trumpeted is ability to chair a meeting, they just never mentioned that it was a chimp's tea party. Meanwhile, Sir Keir is still qualified for one job-Village Idiot-it's just unfortunate that he's not popular enough to get voted in.

Reform to review all asylum claims since 1066

Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye.

A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.'

Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However, the party is confident it can reset Brexit to 1066. 'It's far easier to leave Europe before it even existed. We'll put an end to Norman immigration and will return to a happier time of Viking invasions.'