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Prisoners leave HMP Blunder for the Christmas break

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HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term.


Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells.


HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year.


Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan Police Award for being the cinchest person ever to catch.


Justice Secretary David Lammy has been made Head Scapegoat, so that the Prison Service has someone to take the blame for its constant foul-ups.


There will be no deportations at the end of term because the Home Office has been too disorganised to arrange the flights.


HMP Blunder starts its new term in January, or February, or whenever the cops manage to find everyone.


It will then be welcoming several new faces, thanks to Mr Lammy's cost-cutting court reforms. They'll be people sent to jail on the whim of a judge after a jury-less trial, or having had no trial at all.



Compulsive Tory fibbers demand inquiry to learn what "the truth" is

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"The government needs to set an inquiry immediately so that we Conservatives can discover what 'the truth' is," said a party spokes-Pinocchio.


"Sure, we'd like the truth about what was leaked before the Budget. That would be a good start.


"But more broadly, we'd be really grateful if a panel of vaguely honest people could explain to us what in the world these words 'the truth' are meant to mean.


"Years of serving in a party led by Boris Johnson, helping to explain away his daily torrent of fibs, has meant we've forgotten what it's like to hear an honest word when it's spoken."


"We wish we could help," said a spokes-forked tongued viper for Labour. "But we had even the vaguest understanding of the concepts of 'honesty', 'truthfulness' or 'integrity' crushed out of us by a decade and a half of being led by Tony Blair."



White House denies rumours

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'The President is definitely not going to start a war in Venezuela, definitely not going to get bogged down in guerilla combat in the mountains and jungle, definitely not going to see the war to spread into Columbia, definitely not going to divert weapons to that war from Ukraine, definitely not going to use the National Guard to put down anti-war protests, definitely not going to take over Canada, definitely not going to use the chaos as an excuse to delay the US Presidential election, absolutely definitely not going to use Europe's support for Canada as an excuse to let down NATO allies when Russia attacks in Eastern Europe, and absolutely definitely positively not following China and Russia's grand plan for the fall of the Western World.' said a spokesman.



'So that's alright then.'



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