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Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

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Nigel Farage, Prime Minister-in-Waiting, has announced a lawsuit against Trotters Independent Traders over ‘dodgy’ navigation advice.


‘Every blasted time I try to visit Clacton it sends me somewhere else’, he told reporters. In 2024 alone it sent me to Arizona, Chicago, Kuala Lumpur, Pennsylvania, New York and Washington. This year it’s dumped me in Washington (twice), Florida, France, Las Vegas and Abu Dhabi’.


Residents have mixed feelings. Geoff (67) is a registered idiot: ‘I voted for Nige and I think the sun shines out of his arse. No, really, I actually believe that. Astronomy isn’t my strongest subject’.


Cathy (26) has an IQ greater than her pulse, and is quite pleased that the leather-bound politician is staying away. ‘Given the number of Reform candidates who end up arrested or suspended, I feel safer knowing he’s thousands of miles away. Could they send him into space?’


Trotters have refused a refund on the basis that Farage somehow manages to find every TV studio within a 200 mile radius. It’s a mystery.



US Weather Service advises looking out the window

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The US Weather Service has taken some stick for failing to warn Texas residents about the risk of flash floods.


However, despite some serious Doge-inflicted staffing cuts, the Weather Service is still gamely trying to do its job. They have issued the following advice:


  • The best predictor of tomorrow’s weather is today’s weather. Fact.


  • If you hang up seaweed outside your house and it gets washed away, then worry.


  • Mackerel sky, twenty four hours dry.  Mackerel on the carpet, time to evacuate.


  • Take extra care if you live somewhere known as Flash Flood Alley


  • Don’t believe everything you see on social media. Sometimes looking out the window is better.


  • When dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.  When dew is on the carpet, get out the house before you cark it.


  • When the wind is in the East, check your insurance hasn’t ceased.


  • You’re never going to get rid of the smell of damp carpet.


  • In an emergency, get out fast, despite your urge to stay and film it all for TikTok


And


  • Why not subscribe to our privately funded weather service?




Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

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The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla.


Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if something happened to it', the delivery was initially popped over the back fence of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue by the ever diligent Jeff Bezos.


Following close scrutiny by defunded and non-existent security services, the parcel was declared probably OK, and left on the Resolute Desk along with the usual viciously nobbled giant Russian gherkin, a tub of expired Kinky-Yogurt Jelly, and a bottle of medicinal bleach.


Included in the thoughtful scare package were tickets to an America Party, a selection of rapid unscheduled disassembly products, and a horse's head called Peter Thiel.


It is unclear at this time which of the fake Donald Trumps opened the bundle, but the noise from the Oval Orifice was described as 'a bit SpaceXy'.


However, initial reports confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg was sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom at someone else's mum's house rocking with his chin on his knees murmuring, 'No one ever sends me nuffink.'



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