RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

At this week's NATO Summit, Sir Keir Starmer announced that RyanAir had been chosen to carry and potentially deliver the UK's airborne nuclear arsenal as part of the group's response to developing threats.

'Ordinarily we would use the RAF,' said the Prime Minister at the talks in The Netherlands, 'however, following a competitive tendering process and an evaluation of operational capability, we felt outsourcing the delivery mechanism was a prudent decision. RyanAir are already skilled in causing airborne misery to countless thousands, so this is simply business as usual for them.'

At their headquarters just outside Dublin, RyanAir CEO Michael O'Leary was delighted with the news, telling reporters, 'Today, not only do Ireland join the Nuclear Powers of the world, but we do it at a fraction of the cost of the Manhattan Project. Now we've got the contract, we've also informed Westminster that the costs will increase, as when we've measured the bombs in question, they don't fully fit in the sizer.

'So there is an excess fee for carrying them. The UK and US Governments have also already shared possible targets with us, and if we drop a bomb within 100 miles of them, we'll claim it as a direct hit.'

Photo by Wolfgang Weiser on Unsplash

Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel.

The Roman Catholic Church are keeping a low profile concerning reports that the cloth possessing a haunting image ingrained in the fabric, and revered to be the covering placed over Jesus’s body, is actually a minging ancient bath towel once belonging to a grotty bloke from Barnsley.

Confirmed owner, Eric Booth commented: 'Museums are giving back all the stuff they’ve looted from other countries and I want mine. My towel was nicked off us washing line donkey’s years ago and i’ve been using a tea towel ever since it disappeared. It takes bloody ages to get dry.'

While acknowledging the Barnsley bather’s ownership, authorities at the Chapel of the Holy Shroud where the relic is drying are reluctant to part with the artefact.

Head of Sacred Laundry, Cardinal Vespa explained: 'It’s not just about the millions we rake in year after year from visitors and tourists, followers of Christ believe this to be burial covering bearing the actual image of the Son of Gad. If it returns to Yorkshire, Mr Booth will be inundated with pilgrims to watch him use the sacred towel to… well, I shudder to think!'

Booth replied: 'Bloody hell! On second thoughts, they can just buy me a new one from Home Bargains.'

Photo by Sven Mieke on Unsplash

No budget for assisted dying, says Government

After voting for Assisted Dying last week, the government has told voters that there is no budget to pay for it.

Protestors have been out on the streets complaining about, yet another, "one rule for the rich and one rule for the poor" policy from the Starmer government. 

One protestor, Dave Simmons, from Tipton told Newsbiscuit, "Once again this government has passed legislation which only the very rich in society can take advantage of. My gran is on a life support and would love to die, but the government won't let her. At this rate she could live forever and we'll never get her house.

Opposition MPs are furious. Tory Shadow Minister for Health, Wealth and Happiness, Uriah Heap, told our reporter, 'This bill is an absolute disgrace. We, the Conservatives, are supposed to be the haters of the poor, not Labour. They're supposed to be the nice ones.'

Labour MP, Tony Capp, said, 'Relatives of the poor will just have to stick to the traditional methods of a toaster in the bathroom or marbles on the stairs. Anyway, I don't know why people are complaining, the removal of the Winter Fuel Allowance will finish a lot of them off.'