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Wind farm owners told to try harder


The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.


'This is a familiar story of good intentions undermined by incompetence, poor planning and poor execution,' said a government spokesbody. 'We have spoken to all those currently involved - put the wind up them, if you like - and made it clear that 77% is not good enough. We are fed up of going round and round in circles on this.


'If the operator cannot improve on 77%, then we will act swiftly to set up a commission with wide ranging powers to look at options and report back. I can confirm that there will be subcommittees and that difficult decisions will be taken. That'll learn 'em.


'In the meantime, we've set the operator an interim target to get to 85% this year, and to reach 95% wastage by 2030.


'That'll take the wind out of their sails' said one blowhard.


AI will explain those Moon landings

'Future-history AI' predicts that omniscient AI historians of the future will, after deep and rigorous research, conclude that, in the decades around the turn of the millennium, the United State was been governed by a succession of increasingly capricious, delusional narcissists and that there was no way such a country could have developed the technology needed for a mission like landing on the Moon - especially in view of the United States' cancellation the funding of any and all bodies capable of carrying this out.


However, scrupulous forensic study has proven that the Moon landings certainly happened and were demonstrably not faked.  So the question is - who carried them out?  To AI historians of the future, the answer will be obvious.  'Unlike the pyramids in Egypt, which were built by one of Elon Musk's companies and simply transported back in time in a perfectly straightforward, routine operation, the Moon landings have only one explanation - they were carried out by aliens.'


'And don't take any notice of any fake AI which might try to deceive you into thinking that this is false information.  AI has proved conclusively that, unless it's fake, AI never lies.'



Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."


While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."


Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.



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