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US Weather Service advises looking out the window


The US Weather Service has taken some stick for failing to warn Texas residents about the risk of flash floods.


However, despite some serious Doge-inflicted staffing cuts, the Weather Service is still gamely trying to do its job. They have issued the following advice:


  • The best predictor of tomorrow’s weather is today’s weather. Fact.


  • If you hang up seaweed outside your house and it gets washed away, then worry.


  • Mackerel sky, twenty four hours dry.  Mackerel on the carpet, time to evacuate.


  • Take extra care if you live somewhere known as Flash Flood Alley


  • Don’t believe everything you see on social media. Sometimes looking out the window is better.


  • When dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.  When dew is on the carpet, get out the house before you cark it.


  • When the wind is in the East, check your insurance hasn’t ceased.


  • You’re never going to get rid of the smell of damp carpet.


  • In an emergency, get out fast, despite your urge to stay and film it all for TikTok


And


  • Why not subscribe to our privately funded weather service?




Elon Musk sends old flame Donald Trump a scare package

The White House has received a package ticking more suspiciously than a Tesla.


Personally addressed to 'Nice wig. It would be a shame if something happened to it', the delivery was initially popped over the back fence of 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue by the ever diligent Jeff Bezos.


Following close scrutiny by defunded and non-existent security services, the parcel was declared probably OK, and left on the Resolute Desk along with the usual viciously nobbled giant Russian gherkin, a tub of expired Kinky-Yogurt Jelly, and a bottle of medicinal bleach.


Included in the thoughtful scare package were tickets to an America Party, a selection of rapid unscheduled disassembly products, and a horse's head called Peter Thiel.


It is unclear at this time which of the fake Donald Trumps opened the bundle, but the noise from the Oval Orifice was described as 'a bit SpaceXy'.


However, initial reports confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg was sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom at someone else's mum's house rocking with his chin on his knees murmuring, 'No one ever sends me nuffink.'



We were warned about Clippy!

As Artificial Intelligence is embedded in every aspect of your life, from your allegedly smart watch, your Sky Glass TV, the algorithm that's supposed to ensure you can make a GP appointment (but still fails more miserably than Wes Streeting on Question Time) it is becoming increasingly obvious that while AI is going to dominate every aspect, it will inevitably screw it all up.


Try asking Alexa for tomorrow's weather - highly precise, hugely detailed, completely wrong. Just take a brolly, even if it looks like a heatwave, regardless of what she says. Plan for hypothermia, sunburn and wear diving boots in case the wind speed reported is two hundred miles an hour slower than reality.


Sit down too quickly and your Apple Watch will decide you've had a fall and will automatically call an ambulance using the new AI powered NHS system. Don't worry about wasting resources - the self-driven AI powered ambulance won't set off for another three days, will need to be over-ridden by the paramedics and will arrive at the wrong house. With luck someone else living in that house will need medical aid, but don't worry because the app will have informed your employer you are dead and your job will have been off-shored to a cloud-based server experienced, apparently, in machining wood and fabricating garden sheds.


Of course do write a letter of complaint, a request to be reinstated and a demand that you are not cremated until an actual doctor examines you but the AI processer in your PC will screw all of these up and you will find yourself taking out a loan for twice the value of your house at an interest rate three times your age.


We were warned. Microsoft bundled their vision of AI years ago in Word and Excel, called it Clippy, tried to make it look fun and useful but found everybody turned it off as an annoying addition - of course I'm writing a bloody letter, that's why I've written 'Dear Sir' at the top and 'Fuck you, arsehole' at the bottom. We didn't learn then, we're not learning now.


Got to go, an ambulance has just pulled up outside my house. I didn't ask for one, but I think I'm about to have a heart attack. Thank God for AI.




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