Facial recognition error sees woman booted out of high street Pharmacy

A woman who was wrongly accused of shoplifting due to an apparent mix-up with a facial recognition system was left "fuming" after being kicked out of three stores.

"I felt like socking it to them when they booted me out. I told them it was a load of cobblers." she said. "I was hopping mad"

The Department for Science, Innovation and Technology said: "No one should find themselves in this situation. The store really must avoid putting their foot in it like this. They need to tread carefully when using this powerful technology. If they don't they need a good boot up them. Imagine if the boot was on the other foot."

They said: "While commercial facial recognition technology is legal in the UK, its use must comply with strict data protection laws. Organisations must process biometric data fairly, lawfully and transparently, ensuring usage is necessary, proportionate and on a sound footing.  And if they don't, well, rest assured, someone should definitely take steps to fix it."

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Bible authors ‘must have been on drugs’ say experts

Recent scholarship has confirmed that whoever wrote the Bible ‘must have been off their tits, or something’.

Doctor Pete Lawton of the University of Padgate has been researching the Bible for twenty years. His PhD thesis “Biblical Exegesis: Is It A Waste of Everybody’s Time?” was less an academic paper than a cry for help.

‘I’ve spent the best years of my life studying this book’, he told journalists. ‘I’ve read it in Greek, in Hebrew, I even learned Aramaic for that bit at the end where Jesus gets really pissed off. All around me the literature and art students were getting laid, getting wasted, going to music festivals. I actually pitied them their shallow lives. Can you believe that?

‘And then it dawned on me: it’s totally batshit crazy. Plague of boils? Frogs? People getting turned into pillars of salt? It’s like Game of Thrones on acid. Might as well study the Tooth Fairy.

‘I went off the rails a bit, got a new hairstyle and tried Psilocybin. That first trip – wow. I could hear the trees murmuring to one another through the earth. I held a conversation with a eucalyptus tree in Australia – they’re all connected, you see – and I felt the warmth of the earth’s embrace for the first time. When I came round I’d crapped myself quite thoroughly, but after a quick shower I went back to the Bible and it suddenly made sense’.

Theologians are divided on whether the Bible was written under the influence of mushrooms or alcohol, but strongly recommend being high before reading the thing.

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Gay bar closed for being woke

Following the news that an Indian restaurant in Oxfordshire was closed for smelling like curry, it has also been revealed that a gay bar has been closed for being too woke.

The Common Ground, which has operated in Manchester for over thirty years, has shut its door for the last time following several protests and complaints by a local elderly woman who has just moved into the area and had nothing better to do.

"I was absolutely furious when I spotted it!" stated Doris Crone "well, I didn't technically spot it. Rather one of my friends told me it was only twenty minutes walk away from my house. Naturally as soon as I heard I jumped on my mobility scooter and travelled to have a look and let me tell you I nearly choked on my Werther's Original! It was horrid to look at, lots of people I presume to be homosexuals chatting away like it was normal and eyesore Pride flags hanging outside. Turned my stomach it did."

Over the next few weeks, Doris spent all her free time (that is, most of the day) standing outside the bar making notes about what people were doing "I didn't actually see anyone kissing, but I know they were thinking about it and that's bad enough. Most of my family said I was overreacting and I didn't have to look every day, but I just told them if that lovely Mr Farage can spend his days off watching for boats from Dover then this is the least I can do"

After spending several weeks outside giving the patrons cold stares and occasionally shouting homophobic insults, Doris decided enough was enough and formed a protest. "It was easy enough to arrange, I'm a member of Reform UK, so all I had to do was to get the word out to all of my fellows. Naturally it wasn't long before they responded and the next thing I knew they'd booked a coach and were heading up to put a stop to it."

This marked the first of several protests by Doris's friends, which caused so much negative publicity and kept people away that the bar's owners announced last week it would shut its doors for good.

"I don't understand what her problem was, we weren't doing anything wrong" owner Quentin Smith stated "we're not even really a gay bar, we just have a policy of making everyone feel welcome, especially since the Reform council took over. But we just can't cope with our patrons constantly having abuse thrown at them, so we have to close."

Doris was unrepentant, stating "good riddance to the lot of them, the less people thinking we need to get along the better. I was delighted to hear that awful pub is now going to become a Wetherspoons. Sitting with all your fellow racists getting served by people on zero-hour contracts, there's nothing more British than that!"

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