Drought hit areas to receive extra Bank Holiday

Areas around the UK that have been hit by exceptional drought conditions are to receive an extra Bank Holiday in an effort to boost rainfall and top up reservoirs and aquifers, confirmed the Environment Agency.

Some parts of Wales and the South of England have recorded the lowest average rainfall since records began, and only ever get torrential rain on days that fall within a Bank Holiday weekend.

An EA representative said, 'The UK has had the driest winter and spring on record, and this is directly linked to an absence of Bank Holidays. Providing hard-working families with an extra Bank Holidays is the only way to guarantee the UK will get a thorough soaking. That and the school summer holidays, of course.'

'We think rain clouds and high winds can somehow detect the onset of a Bank Holiday weekend and have evolved to store millions of litres of rainwater in specially created cloud formations, ready to hammer down as soon as traffic builds up on the M5 south of Gloucester.

A spokesperson for the Canal and Rivers Trust said that many UK waterways were in danger of running dry, but the Bank Holiday weekend had arrived just in time to spare them.

'If it wasn’t for Bank Holiday weekends, UK rivers and canals would be in serious trouble of running dry, fish stocks would plummet and sales of jigsaws and board games would plummet. But, as Benjamin Franklin famously said, only three things in life are certain…death, taxes and torrential f**king rain on a British Bank Holiday weekend.

'Adding a few extra Bank Holiday weekends to the calendar is the most obvious way of topping up our reservoirs and waterways. It should have been done years ago.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Transport for London thrilled that people no longer bother to complain

Transport for London was pleased to announce today that the number of complaints about public transport in London has fallen to a record low.

“Of course, we’re not fooling ourselves people are happy with the service,” laughed spokesman Damien Sludge. “We know perfectly well how many trains we cancelled because of a slight breeze, because it was cloudy, because there was an R in the month or because the moon was in the third house of Jupiter.

”No, we’re well aware using public transport in London is like something out of Dante. That’s why we all work from home. I can’t even remember where our office is.

”But it’s been a long term strategic priority of ours to beat down commuters to the point where they don’t expect anything to work, and know complaining won’t make any difference, as outlined in policy document Turning Misery to Hopelessness (2018). It’s why our official email for complaints is asifwegiveaf**k@tfl.gov.uk.

“Though amazingly some people do still bother to email us, so we’ve had to set up an autoresponder saying ‘Moan moan moan - you realise this is why no one likes you?’”

Image: Pixabay/daviniakay

Banks set new World Record in passing on lower Interest Rates

0.4 Nanoseconds, that is a brand-new record. As soon as The Bank of England Monetary Policy Committee made the announcement, customers were issued semi-apologetic letters saying that their nice bank was forced to reduce their saving rate and there was nothing they could do about it. E-mails were hitting inboxes before people had reached the full stop of the MPC’s statement.

In a stark contrast to when the interest rate rises, the time taken for applying this to savings accounts usually has some sort of period of extended lag, probably due to time zones or stock market opening times or maybe professional analysts taking a broad, careful look at the overall market environment…. Sorry, a little bit of sick came up when I wrote that.

At the time of going to press, the banks were still considering how to pass this reduction on to mortgage customers and will see how best to handle this very soon. Hold tight.

Image: Pixabay/Openclipart-vectors