Property boss who wouldn't spring extra £200k for safe cladding blew twice that in hand of Poker

A filthy rich property magnate who owns a high rise development is stubbornly refusing to sign off on slightly more expensive cladding which would keep hundreds of tenants safe from peril.

'I'm not backing down,' said Jeremy Gout, a multimillionaire and member of the exclusive All In Club in Kensington. 'I am not legally required to waste my hard earned money on building materials which are proven safe, so why would I? I retain the services of the best lawyers in the City to stall that sh*t until never.

'But, hey, you should have seen me at the table last night. There was a million in the pot and I went all in on a deuce and a seven. Nearly bluffed my way into the biggest win of the night, if those f*ckers hadn't all called me.

'And the night before I was at the Kitten Private Members Club. Those girls are high end incredible, but their daddies haven't secured them offshore trust funds. So it falls to me to drop them £10k a lap dance, and 20 times that each for private encounters which would make a sex doll blush.

'So, no, I don't sleep at night. But that's the price of having so much fun exploiting the poor.'

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CEO of Thames Water explains why it's all your fault

'Mainly people just don't want water anymore, it's a luxury item now and they just don’t need it, like houses. It’s also youths, that Gen Millennial lot, they just spend all their money on avocado flavoured A.I. H20 now. Kids just download pirate water of the deep dark web.

'Most of our money goes on fines so it is actually also the regulators’ fault. It’s also meddling and bureaucratic red tape from Brussels and the police with “Safety” rules and “please reduce the amount of floating turds in drinking water”. Political correctness gone mad.

'Water is not easy to look after, do you think this stuff just falls from the sky? It's hard this water stuff, no hold on that's just ice. You've got to get two hydrogen atoms for every oxygen one, it’s a logistical nightmare.

'Luckily there is a bright side, my bonus targets were mostly met. Like attending at least 4 meetings a month and spelling Tems Wartur correctly. Maybe I didn’t get that one this year…

'What we need is a 40% increase in our bonuses....I mean in the customers’ bills, otherwise the rivers will just be full of sewage, that would be awful wouldn't it? We have tried putting loads of holes in the pipes to let the sewage out, but it appears that made things a lot worse. To be honest, I have no idea how all this works, I was in charge of Southern Rail before this, and I raked it in there.'

Photo by S. Laiba Ali on Unsplash

Silicon Valley CEOs rejoice at annual data harvest festival

'Let us thank God, our great provider, for blessing us with yet another year's harvest of everyone's personal data," said lay preacher Mark Zuckerberg to his fellow hi-tech barons in the Cathedral Church of St Elon X in Palo Alto.

'Yet again, we have toiled hard and suckered billions of people online into handing over to us a delicious crop of personal details, browsing habits and spending patterns. And we have achieved this by being completely opaque about what information we are gathering from them and who we are selling it to.

'And we thank the Good Lord that for another year, the regulators have left us free to reap highly lucrative data from our fellow citizens in whatever sneaky way we like.

'So why don't all you unscrupulous CEOs give yourselves a treat? Reach into these baskets up here at the altar, which are full of harvest-time donations from the most innocent and unsuspecting souls in our cyber-community, and help yourselves to some extra-large sheaves of personal info to flog off to dodgy retailers and finance companies.

'I have no idea why our Lord and Saviour consistently grants us filthy-rich sinners such bountiful data harvests, year after year," continued Preacher Zuckerberg, looking bashful. "But intelligence suggests it may actually be the demon Mammon who's been doing us all these foul favours.

'So forget our Lord and Saviour. Praise Mammon for his providence, and glorify his name!'

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash