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Astronomers face unexpected attack from social media



Having found that planet HD 189733 b whiffs of rotten eggs, social media keyboard warriors have raised concerns that scientists may be training the James Webb Space Telescope to search for planets that smell of sugar and spice and all things nice and have accused these scientists of paedophillia, since this is what little girls are alleged to be made from.


Sir Patrick Valance, who was recently appointed by the Prime Minister as Science Minister said the idea was almost as absurd as those he heard government ministers spout during the pandemic, but the Reform UK leader echoed the words of Mandy Rice-Davies of the Profumo scandal fame, by saying “Well he would say that, wouldn’t he?”




Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane



The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.


‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through’, he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.


Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that’, said Mr Coyote. ‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress’.




“Least surprising news story of the year” already declared


Despite it only being June 21st, the winner of the “Least surprising news story of the year” competition has already been declared.



The news that the upgrades to the Docklands Light Railway in east London will in fact take longer and cost more than predicted has been described as “so obvious, you wonder why they even bothered reporting it”.



“It’s a public infrastructure project, of course it’ll take longer and cost more than they said,” said one of the award judges. ”Compared to that, ‘Sun rises in the morning’ or ‘Leaves fall off trees in autumn’ would have readers fainting in shock.



”It’s a headline we’ve seen with literally every public infrastructure project, up to and including Crossrail. We would have seen it with HS2, if they hadn’t given up on it entirely. And don’t get me started on the £37 billion Covid app that didn’t work, or mates of cabinet ministers who got PPE contracts and delivered faulty equipment…



”I’d just love to live in their world, where you can do your job so badly and not suffer the slightest penalty. And given that all these projects were put out to tender, presumably the predicted cost and timeframe were a significant part of choosing who got the job? So how can they junk all their promises the moment it suits them? I really don’t understand it.”



A suggestion that “England go out on penalties” might be an even less surprising news story in a couple of weeks time was rejected on the grounds it assumes England makes it past the group stage of the tournament, which would be very surprising.


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