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Smart motorways to be ‘enhanced’ with grand pianos suspended over the fast lane

The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.

‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through’, he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.

Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that’, said Mr Coyote. ‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress’.

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