Office chair with jacket hanging off it wins award

An office chair with a jacket hanging off it was today named "Employee of the month" by a leading City firm.

"It's a hugely competitive environment," explained the jacket's owner, Jeremy Shirtsleeves. "You're looked down on if you go home at half five, even if you don't really have anything to do.

"Fortunately someone told me about this trick where you leave your desk lamp on and your jacket over your chair, then anyone who walks past thinks you've just nipped out for a moment.

"I couldn't believe how well it worked. I started going home earlier and earlier, until I was hardly in the office at all. And I still got emails commending me for the hours I was putting in."

The whole scheme unravelled, however, when the firm wanted to make Shirtsleeves their "Employee of the month", but when he couldn’t be found, had to give the award to the chair.

Slightly overstuffed, beginning to creak with age and showing a few threadbare patches, Shirtsleeves is a specialist in Asian commodity markets.

image from pixabay

Farmers' union behind food-based attacks on politicians

The English National Union of Farmers (ENUF) has claimed responsibility for a series of food-based attacks on political figures, and warned that there are more to come.

"We started with egging that statue of Margaret Thatcher - you can thank the Egg Marketing Board Continuity Faction for that, they've never forgiven Maggie for Edwina Currie" said a spokesperson, face and identity hidden behind a really filthy tractor window.

"And we organised the milking of Farage, if you see what I mean. Thanks for wrecking our subsidies, Nigel. And we'll carry on to make sure all politicians know farmers have had ENUF."

Journalists were then told that a list of more targets had been mowed into a cornfield near Ipswich. The list included plans to throw "very plain" flour over Keir Starmer, apple juice over Ed Davey "though he might not notice", an "imported mouldy lettuce" at Liz Truss, and a dead duck at Rishi Sunak.

image from pixabay

Paula Vennells denies being Paula Vennells

Paula Vennells (if indeed that’s who it was) today told the Post Office Sub-postmasters Enquiry that she had no recollection of ever having been Paula Vennells.

'I’ve seen - sorry, I’ve now seen - business cards, comp slips, headed notepaper and so forth,' she admitted. 'I concede that someone named Paula Vennells was indeed in charge of the Post Office for some time.

'But to suggest that it was me? I have no recollection of that.'

She went on to say that she had no recollection of ever having posted or received a letter or bought a stamp, and that during the period in question, she was living in Nepal as a goat.

Image by Sharon Ang from Pixabay