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Aviation regulator grounds all flying carpets



Following a spate of rug-based aircraft incidents, the Floorcovering Aviation Administration has grounded flying carpets. The move has been described by many as 'too little, too late', as it should have included lino, and come prior to the Carpetright sales.


The FAA issued a short statement:


'Any rug taking flight from atop a wig-wearer's head, we'll overlook that. But substantial merkin slippage is right out. As is any pilot attempting to navigate the skies on a levitating floor syrup.


'Those who think they can get away on class two throws, fireplace bearskins or even fancy leopard fur private jets will lose their licenses and be stripped of their dangly tassels.


'The only exception to this are those taking off and landing at Rugby Municipal Airport, as it has the code RUG.'


One air traffic incident last Tuesday evening involving multiple yoga mats was described by witnesses as 'horrific' and 'forming a deep pile on the ground'. One survivor admitted, 'The shag simply wasn't lush enough.'


Air accident investigators examining the scene confirmed, 'It could take weeks to establish the underlaying problem.'



www.newsbiscuit,com


UK needs affordable $hit water



The spiralling cost of pumping sewage into our drinking water, has meant our water companies need more investment in order to do their jobs that badly. So bills must increase, to match the demand for stomach bugs and dysentery. Said one home owner: 'My family can't get enough of $hitting through the eye of a needle.'


The Private Companies explained: 'Deliberately mixing clean water and effluence is a painstakingly expensive process, as we have to employ thousands of village idiots to do it. We have the added cost of connecting everyone's u-bend to their taps. Plus, factor in paying millions in PR to convince the public that water should have lumps in it.'


The fear for share holders is that rather than pay, the public will drink from stagnant puddles - or as they call it 'nationalisation'. 'They complain that a 90% bill hike is too much to pay for fresh water, which is fine, because it's not.'




What went wrong for online water retailer Wazoo?



Online water company Wazoo has fallen into administration.


The company was launched in 2019, describing itself as a disruptor in the market for clean and nearly-clean drinking water. After a stock market float that raised £42bn, the company paid to have its branding everywhere – on TV, on football shirts and on celebrity ‘Wazoo Ambassadors’. The company’s stated aim was to own the market for water, worldwide. It believed that internet sales would simplify the customer experience, build brand loyalty and deliver riches beyond compare for its founders. It did achieve the latter. Of the £42bn raised from city investors, £41.5bn was paid to its founders in dividends and other remuneration.


The company enjoyed some success, but customers said that Wazoo’s nearly-cleanTM bottled water was no different to what came out of their taps and cost 200 times more. The on-line service did offer consumers greater convenience, but customers became more savvy. They realised that if they had to get off the sofa to collect water at the front door, it was only a short further walk to the kitchen tap.


The company diversified into a range of waters of different qualities. The ‘Mayfair’ brand was 99.9% pure, the ‘Devon’ brand was 50% pure (and contained live 'friendly bacteria') and the ‘Windermere’ brand was so impure that it could not legally be sold as water. Despite massive marketing spend, consumers were unimpressed and moved to alternatives – milk, beer and dehydrated water products. Customers were literally drying up.


At the end, the company’s stock market value had fallen to forty seven pence. The founders blamed the customers. ‘We were ahead of our time and we were too sophisticated for our customers. The market for clean and nearly-clean water was not ready for our tech-savvy on-line service. We’ll give it another ten years or so and then we will do it all again.’




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