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UK needs affordable $hit water

The spiralling cost of pumping sewage into our drinking water, has meant our water companies need more investment in order to do their jobs that badly. So bills must increase, to match the demand for stomach bugs and dysentery. Said one home owner: 'My family can't get enough of $hitting through the eye of a needle.'

The Private Companies explained: 'Deliberately mixing clean water and effluence is a painstakingly expensive process, as we have to employ thousands of village idiots to do it. We have the added cost of connecting everyone's u-bend to their taps. Plus, factor in paying millions in PR to convince the public that water should have lumps in it.'

The fear for share holders is that rather than pay, the public will drink from stagnant puddles - or as they call it 'nationalisation'. 'They complain that a 90% bill hike is too much to pay for fresh water, which is fine, because it's not.'

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