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Infected blood scandal fails to create any superheroes



Comic book nerds have been wondering how soon it will not be in bad taste to wonder why the infected blood scandal has failed to yield any superheroes, or at least superhero films.


Gary Grimthwaite said 'Renegade Doctors? Government cover ups? It's like the origin story is writing itself. Let's be honest, Marvel would have made an entire Cinematic Universe and probably a billion dollars out of this.'


'And on the subject of infected blood, 28 Days Later is getting another sequel, 28 Years Later, which is coincidentally a lot quicker than any of the victims are going to see any compensation.'


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Apologies are free, so there'll be lots of those. Rishi says if we spin it out long enough, the people eligible for actual compensation will be dead - kerching! He said if we really spin it out, everyone will be dead, so nothing really matters. I think the upcoming election wipe-out is getting to him.'


There was good news, however, as some of the apologies from government ("Soz, Rishi x") and NHS bosses have healed many of those made sick and in some cases, even brought the dead back to life.


Hootington-Hurst interrupted 'Sorry did that guy say a billion dollars? Hang on a minute Rishi, I've got a great idea.'




Fawlty valve possible source of Torquay parasite outbreak




A spokesperson for South West Water made the following statement in response to questions from Newbiscuit:


Newsbiscuit: How do you feel about the problems you have caused your customers?


Spokesperson: I mean, have you seen the people in Brixham? They've never even sat on deck chairs before.


Newsbiscuit: Up to 100 people had reported symptoms to their GP in the last week. Do you think you have been slow to act?


Spokesperson: People round here don't talk that much in the morning... Well look, we're just delivering water, right? If the locals aren't singing 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning' we don't immediately think, 'Oh there's another one got the runs - another name in the 'South West Water Accident Book'. I mean this is a seaside resort, not the Burma Railway. I mean it does actually say 'English Riviera' on the signs, you know. Perhaps we should be more specific. What about 'Area of Outstanding natural beauty' for people who have a better than 50 per cent chance of making it through the night without dashing to the toilet?


Newsbiscuit: What do you think caused the problem.


Spokesperson: Oh, we don't know, Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain..."


Newsbiscuit: So it could be effluent. Where do you normally put that?


Spokesperson: Over there between the land and the sky!


Newsbiscuit: Are you going to do anything about it?


Spokesperson: We were just doing something about it, you stupid people. We just stopped doing something, to come here and be asked by you to do what what we were already doin'. I mean, what is the point in asking us to do what we're already doing? I mean, what is the bloody point? We're doing it, aren't we? Yes, we'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the Paignton moved a bit to the left?


Newsbiscuit: So what are you going to do?


Spokesperson: We are going to restart the filtration system, and if the vicious bastard doesn't start... We'll count to three, and give it a damn good thrashing.


Newsbiscuit: Do you think there is a case to be made for fines or even re-nationalisation?


Spokesperson: This is typical. Absolutely typical...of the kind of...arse we have to put up with from you people. You ponce down here in your Chelsea Tractors expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while we're trying to run a resort here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble, going to Poland on holiday. Well we've had years of pandering to the likes of you, and we've had enough. We've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out!



Panic as new blood test gives seven years notice of cancer

The NHS is in disarray after a new blood test promises to give patients seven years notice that cancer will develop.


An NHS spokesman said, ‘We absolutely can’t and don’t plan on that sort of timescale. That’s more than two elections away. We don’t even know what we can do next week, what with drug shortages, lack of equipment, industrial action, falling nursing student numbers and all those sick people. There is no way we could put together a costed and credible plan to address a clinical need that is seven years away. And if we could, the politicians would tell us that we were clearly over-resourced, and would reduce our funding.’


NHS Forward Planning, a quango that wrings its hands about the awful state of the NHS, said that its initial response will be to delay sending out test results for seven years so that the unlucky cancer patients can be treated in the normal way.




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